“Don’t worry, I won’t get anything too bulky—I know we’re moving in a month.” — me, this morning, like an idiot.
But before we get to THE DEAL OF THE YEAL (OK fine, “year,” but that doesn’t rhyme), here’s an awesome yardsale listing I found this morning, courtesy of craigslist:
Tag Sale of the Gods
This is it! The ONLY tagsale you will ever need to go to EVER AGAIN. Thrill to the toys and housewares! Shiver in abject terror to the many clothes and collectibles. DVD’s to the left..kids stuff to the right…General bric-a-brac strewn around like a sure sign of the end of times! Come purchase the remnants of a life once so full of wonder and hope now reduced to a pile off books and baubles haphazardly scattered about a fat guys unkept lawn.
That’s [redacted address] If you’ve continued past Main Street and driven into the ocean, there was never any hope for you anyway.
…Can you tell I’m stalling? I wanna keep this going as looooooooong as I can. I know you’re here for the videogames. I know you’re salivating so much your keyboard’s starting to get drippy. Here’s some poetry I wrote:
by Paul Franzen
O mistress of the yardsale
…That’s as far as I’ve gotten so far, but I think it shows promise.
Okay, okay; I’ll get a move on. I found some other stuff besides videogames, too, but honestly it all seemed way more interesting before I found the DEAL OF THE YEAL. I’ll try to get through it as quickly as I can.
Let’s start with…
Cool, a weird coaster.
Oh, some old CDs you glued American flags to. That’s neat, I guess.
A light-up outhouse? Well that’s certainly different.
Wow, another outhouse? That’s quite a coincid–
OKAY, WHAT’S WITH ALL THE OUTHOUSES.
I CAN’T EVEN. THIS ONE PEES ON YOU. IT ACTUALLY PEES ON YOU WHEN YOU OPEN IT.
HERE’S SOME COASTERS WITH OUTHOUSES ON THEM.
OUTHOUSE SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS.
(Also bonus points for the one in the front that is a pair of ladies’ breasts. Detachable breasts. Gives new meaning to the phrase “shake it, baby,” I guess!)
Phew, okay. A Jeff Foxworthy doll. I can’t imagine what little girl wouldn’t want–
OH HEY THERE’S A PAIR OF TESTICLES JUST SITTING IN A BOX, THAT’S COOL.
RIGHT NEXT TO SOMEONE’S RUSTY SWORD COLLECTION.
i don’t even know what’s going on here
OH GREAT, HOW ABOUT A–no wait; I’m sorry. A blood-splattered mug from the Forensics School? Yeah, that’s actually awesome.
ENOUGH! IT’S TIME FOR VIDEOGAMES!
YESSSS! A SUPER NINTENDO AND A PILE OF SUPER NINTENDO GAMES! Including Super Mario All-Stars, which I’ve been hoping to find at a yardsale, ever since I sold it (along with half my SNES collection) (and an actual SNES) to Funcoland in exchange for…
…wait for it…
At least one of you is screaming in utter agony right now. What else we got??
A PILE OF SEGA GENESIS GAMES! And Sega Saturn games! And Sega CD games?! (And a box from my arch-nemesis, Funcoland?!) Well, that’s awful convenient, because…
A BUNCH OF SEGA CONSOLES. GOOD LORD. A Saturn! A Dreamcast! A Sega CD! TWO SEGA GENESISES. Hey, does anyone want a Sega Genesis? I’ve got like five now. I think I’m gonna start giving them out as party favors. (That’s something adults do, right? Party favors? Hi, I’m turning 30 next year.)
More Nintendo stuff!!
Just to make this clear: I bought two N64s, four N64 games, a GameCube, a screen that lets me play GameCube on an airplane, and this is only like the FOURTH COOLEST THING I BOUGHT TODAY. I AM THE CHAMPION OF YARDSALES. EL CAMPEÓN DE VENTAS DE YARDA.
I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. What world is this? What strange fantasy land have I stumbled into? (Edit: Can you spot the game that’s worth ~$300?)
Did I mention I got all of this for $22? That’s not just for the Atari lot; that’s for EVERYTHING. LITERALLY ALL OF THE THINGS. (The original asking price was around $30, but I used my time-tested negotiation skill of “looking sad until they lower the price.” It worked.)
Yardsales, man. Frigin’ yardsales. Like scavenger hunts and lotteries all rolled up into one. Hey, was that a metaphor? Let’s try that poem again:
by Paul Franzen
O mistress of the yardsale,
Today, thy have done me well:
With all your videogames and crap
(literally, because outhouses).
My eyes lighten and my fingers doth tread
On this keyboard, because
I am…writing poetry.
Like a bird free.
Like a bumble bee.
Like a sip of tea.
That sounds right.
I think so.
Hey-hey, check that out! I’m a poet and I didn’t even–