The One Thing You Can Count On

the-one-thing-you-can-count-on-plate

Many things in your life are going to disappoint you. Your favorite baseball team never winning the Sports Cup. Your otherwise cool aunt, whenever someone says the word “Obama” on Facebook. But you know the one thing that’ll never let you down?

Advertising. F***ing advertising, of course. It’ll permeate every part of your life until you can’t even heat up last night’s leftovers without the f***ing plate advertising ADVERTISING ITSELF AT YOU.

…Oh hey, speaking of which!!

Science says that at least 80% of you are thinking about starting your Christmas shopping now, even though it’s early November and that makes you a crazy person. If you’re gonna buy gifts online though, why not do it from my Amazon affiliate link? It doesn’t cost you anything; just click the link, buy your stuff, and Amazon sends me a cut of the revenue, which I can then put back into the website.

Just click the linkCLICK IT. CLICK THE LINK.

Wanna help “Yardsaling to Adventure!” grow? Do your Amazon shopping through our affiliate link! …Oh wait, I said that already.

Maybe Not That Plate

campbells-soup-poison-broccoli-cheese-plate

“may poison food”? I’m sorry–

“may poison food”????

Dude, you made a plate! Maybe don’t make plates OUT OF POISON. MAYBE LEAVE THE POISON BEHIND FOR THIS PARTICULAR CONSUMER PRODUCT, I THINK THAT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA.

I wonder how many death-plates have been sold without the labels. HOW MANY LIVES HAS CAMPBELL SOUP TAKEN.

Wanna help “Yardsaling to Adventure!” grow? Do your Amazon shopping through our affiliate link!

Not Helping

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU’RE UPSET
Hugs, soothing words, frozen yogurt, a good movie, “Don’t worry; I’ll do the dishes this time!”, dogs, naps, etc. etc.

THINGS THAT MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE:
THIS, BASICALLY:

clown-wiping-tears

Kid probably wasn’t even crying until this frickin’ guy showed up and tried to rub things on his face.

Welcome to Earth, Moonmen!

It was BACK TO THE SALES this week, after about a month of visiting family, attending weddings, documenting state-wide beard and goat competitions, and also sleeping sometimes, because seriously you have to get up at like 7 in the goddamn morning to find any “good stuff,” and sometimes that “good stuff” just ain’t worth it.

I picked the wroooong weekend to come back. Continue reading

She Was Eaten to DEATH

*ahem* Let’s get doewn to business; we have a lot of madeerial to cover. (…I’m so sorry. Those are some of my worst puns yet. My Aunt Ler would be so ashamed.)

Today’s adventure started off with a “blue light”—which is, as described earlier, a term my mom coined for yardsales that sneak up on you, like that axe murderer that’s creeping up behind you right now. Although as it turned out, I did see this one listed on Craigslist the night before. The post just had one critical flaw:

They didn’t include an address. Which—as you might imagine—is a bit of a problem when you’re trying to visit someone’s house. My GPS is an older model; it doesn’t understand how to get me from Spring Street to “near Route 67, past where the old supermarket used to be.”

So how did I know it was the same sale? They mentioned in the post that they had a bunch of gravestones for sale, and, well…

They sure did!

My favorite, by far: “Here lies BETH. She was eaten to DEATH.” (Although “SALLY BASS got overcome by GAS” comes in at a close second.)

A whopping $50 for the whole lot though; they must’ve read my post about ridiculous Connecticut Prices, and took it as a challenge. “Oh, he thinks $4 for a scratched up CD is bad? Just wait until I charge half a hundo for these cardboard things I painted!”

Although that said, for only $5 I could’ve taken home this fantastic lobster rug:

…but it’s a good thing I didn’t get my claws into that; I ended up buying another awesome rug at a different sale, and I think if I brought them both home my wife might’ve boiled me alive. (Like a lobster.)

Later in the day, I came across… Continue reading

Stampin’ Up!

The best yardsale finds make you stop, scratch your head, and say “what the f*** is that?” For example, one of my early finds during this morning’s adventure was this license plate cover:

Is it…promoting tramp stamps? The postal service? Is “stamping up” a euphemism for a new kind of drug? (“Yo man, you got any…stamp?” “No Jimmy, my mom said you’re not supposed to stamp up!” “Your MOM don’t hafta know about it! Come on, just take a lick…”)

Turns out it’s actually about scrapbooking. Okay, how about this plate:

Of course, that’s far from the creepiest plate I’ve ever seen at a yardsale, but it begs several questions, most notably: What the **** is it talking about? Why’s that rooster in the middle have such a smug look on his face? Why are they all roosters?! If I proudly display this in my office, what am I saying—is this an old proverb about how you should definitely not engage in coitus at the pearly gates with two other roosters? Is it okay if you just have one other rooster?

I tried to research this one on Google, too, but all I found were a variety of mousepads and keychains inscribed with the saying; nobody actually seemed to know what it meant. …Until I asked that font of wisdom, the Yahoo Answers community. Here’s what they told me:

…Wait, sorry; that was actually the answer to a different question I was researching. What they actually said was: nothing. Nobody has any idea what this means. Do you, readers? If you know, POST!

Continue reading

Babies Everywhere!

Let’s just open with this, the single greatest thing I’ve ever purchased at a yardsale (note that I say that about everything I purchase):

Oh my god, how horrifying is that? I don’t know what it’s supposed to be, but every time I look at it I see a sneaky Santa Clause giggling to himself and whispering “I have all the babies. I have all of them.” You just know he’s going to eat them afterwards. I can’t wait to serve people cookies on it, come Christmas-time. The look on their face as they take that last chocolate chip away, and they have that staring up at them. The true meaning of the holidays. Continue reading