Come on and Mousercise!

Sometimes it’s tough to figure out what to write for this blog; like, seriously, how am I gonna write 200-300 words about a painting of a clown sitting on the toilet? And then sometimes I find a cassette tape of Mickey Mouse and other Disney characters singing about how great exercise is, and the only reason writing is difficult is because the English language—or any language—or any form of communication, period—is totally inadequate for describing the sheer joy I’m overcome with. Whatever the inverse of 50 poop emoji is, it’s that.

mousercise-cassette-tape

…Of course, I didn’t actually buy the thing (mostly because my Talkboy Tape Recorder is still packed away somewhere, after the move) but luckily, I didn’t have to. Here’s the title track, courtesy of TheTeach27 on YouTube:

You can jump, you can shake it
Anything you make it,
Whatever you feel is right.
Come on, everybody, and MOUSERCISE!

Everything seems perfectly normal so far. …BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE.

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Syracuse vs. The World

My sister-in-law went to Syracuse University, so I know a lot of things about the school, like 1) their mascot is a literal orange, named Otto and 2) that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Now I know a third thing: they’re also super, SUPER competitive, especially for a college WHOSE MASCOT IS A LITERAL ORANGE NAMED OTTO.*

For example, here’s a t-shirt promoting their sports game against South Florida:

syracuse-bulldoze-south-florida-shirt

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!
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I THINK THIS IS A USED, ANTIQUE RECEPTACLE FOR CHEWED GUM YOU’RE PLANNING TO CHEW AGAIN LATER

antique-gum-holder

LIKE YOU CAN PUT YOUR CHEWED-UP WAD OF GUM HERE AND JUST LEAVE IT ON YOUR DESK FOR FUTURE CHEWING. THIS IS EXTREMELY UPSETTING. I CAN’T EMPHASIZE ENOUGH HOW MUCH I DON’T LIKE THAT THIS EXISTS.

(Also the lady selling it kept following me around her sale, like she thought there was something weird about a quiet guy with a scruffy beard taking photos in her garage. …Come to think of it, I hope she was actually having a sale and didn’t just leave her garage door open by mistake.)

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Attorney at LOL

jury-trial-game-1

I’m not going to make any Phoenix Wright puns, I’m not going to make any Phoenix Wright puns, I’m not—boy, this game looks like it’s Edge-worthy of a spot on anyone’s shelf; am I Wright, guys?!

I found “Jury Trial: The Sensational Courtroom Battle Board Game!” at one of my fine local thrift stores (you can tell it’s fancy when they keep the PS2 games locked inside a glass case), and it kind of looks amazing. I say “kind of,” only because this particular edition appeared to have been dunked in a dirty toilet.

jury-trial-game-2

Don’t be tempted to scroll past this dude’s case without reading it. FIGHT YOUR INSTINCT, if only for phrases like “sex and flesh work in advertising” and “their message is painted on my butt.”

…I’m already regretting not buying this game, toilet or no. Continue reading

Spanky’s Playmate

for-spankys-mouth-only-cooler

I think everyone’ll come up with their own joke for this one before I even finish typing this sentence.

FTR, I found this at Cornell University’s annual Dump & Run” sale, which is a magical event where the school takes stuff that people were throwing away donated at the end of the school year and sells it back to incoming students in the fall, with proceeds going to local charities. There were a lot of uncomfortable-looking dorm chairs and plastic shelving units for sale. Also towels. You want towels? THEY GOT TOWELS. So many towels.

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Bull-dazzled

jeweled-cow-skull

“Please share this…thing…with the world!!”

– Smimming Rox (@asgardianmead61 on Twitter).

Consider it done.

P.S. My new computer game came out yesterday! It’s called Cat President: A More Purrfect Union, and it’s a romantic visual novel about a teen girl who accidentally becomes campaign manager for one of the six major Presidential candidates (and they’re all cats) (very handsome cats). It’s the feline-good game of the summer!!

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The Beast Coast

New York is different from California. This may come as a surprise to those of you who have only lived on one coast or the other, or (God forbid) any readers who got stuck living in-between (I’ve driven through your states twice now; I’m so sorry). They’re both big states, with lots of…trees…and they’ve both made me realize that I should look out the window more and see what they’ve got besides trees. But certain things feel like they’re a step away in a random direction; even the yard sales.

This past Saturday in New York, I overheard a guy talking about how he (his company?) recently had to pay a $200 million fine, in the same regretful tone that one might remark that they left their phone charger on the bus. “Aw gee,” I could imagine him shrugging, then giving the propeller on his beanie cap a twirl. “What a boo-boo I just did.” (And we don’t even live in the rich part of New York. We live in the cow part.) In Humboldt County—our home in California before moving back east—the only time you’d hear the word “million” was if someone was breaking the record for number of buds grown in a single field.

Another example. In California, I found some pretty adorable quilting-themed goods at an estate sale…

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