Howliday Favorites in Dog!

I know I said I was on break, but this was too good festive musical? whatever I can’t even with this to pass up.

It’s that Wonderful Time of Year™ again when enormous blow-up snowmen invade people’s lawns, Holiday in Handcuffs is finally on TV again and I have flashbacks to that one time my programming teacher left barking jingle bells play on loop and just left the room for 50 goddamn minutes. Today, I’m here to share that experience with you.

top-dog-howliday-favorites-in-dog-cd
I picked up “Howliday Favorites in Dog!” (underlining theirs) (but sassy replication all mine) at Dollar Bargain, the literally dead horse that I’ve been beating for over a year now. (I have to mention it whenever I picked up something at Dollar Bargain, because it’s the only way I’ll get enough SEO points to be the Internet’s leading resource on Dollar Bargain Dollar Bargain Dollar Bargain.)

It’s an entire album of dogs barking out holiday classics with festive pun-filled names, from the obvious “Santa Claws,” to the I-guess-that’s-clever “Fetch All Ye Faithful,” to “Odoriferous Joy,” which took me a very long time to figure out was a reference to that holiday classic (?) Ode to Joy. The joke being that dogs…(wait for it) are smelly. (Hi, I’m Paul Franzen, joke-explainer.)

Anyway here’s all fourteen songs from the album. I’m sorry in advance for ruining your holiday party.


BARK HUMBUG!! (Man, I think I missed my calling. Or should that be…………….howling.)

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A Graveyard Smash

Happy Friday the 16th, everyone!! TRADITIONALLY SPEAKING THE SPOOPIEST DAY OF THE YEAR!!

I know how I’m celebratingwith this weird thing I found at an estate sale:

painted-wood-thing

(I’ll wait for you to clean the coffee off your monitor.)

Okay but seriously, this looks like something Picasso might’ve made in his fifth-grade art class (or Griffin McElroy like last week in Monster Factory). Also I’m pretty sure it has actual human nipples for eyes. DON’T LOOK.

…And on that note, it looks like the yard sales are drying up for the season, so I’m calling it! See you guys next year with more horrible affronts to nature and mankind!

EDIT: WAIT I LIED, IT’S NOT OVER YET

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Mr. Dillon’s Slanty Shanty!

mr-dillons-slanty-shanty

Pretty much the only thing on the Internet about Mr. Dillon’s Fabulous Slanty Shantybesides the blog post you’re reading nowis this diary entry (?) on FamilySearch from 1977 which says:

“You can laugh yourself silly there.”

That’s it. The entirety of human knowledge at our disposal, and that’s the best we’ve got. (That, and a comment on the current property-owner’s Facebook page that says “WISH YOU STILL HAD THE SLANTY SHANTY.”) Internet, you have failed this city. (I don’t actually know what that’s a reference to; don’t tell anyone.)

Thankfully, the spirit of Mr. Dillon’s Slanty Slanty lives on in NorCal’s own CONFUSION HILL (pronounced in all-caps like that). I took my parents there a few weeks ago when they flew in from New Jersey because I’m literally the worst son; here’s my dad wearing his completely sincere “I’m having fun” face while experiencing the weird gravity.

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Remance in the Air

“My best flea market finds from way back, no doubt,” writes Odin Wolf on Twitter.

Flea markets: Where quality control means maybe looking at the thing once before putting it on a table (but probably not).

love-remance-underwear

pet-thing

Note: if even the manufacturers can’t tell what it is, you probably shouldn’t give it to your dog to chew on.

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What’s Even the Point?

mustache-kissing-sign

Fun fact: This sign went through several iterations before they finally settled on a slogan. Here are a few versions they tossed out:

  • Kissing a man without a mustache is like going to the zoo and skipping the rain forest area.
  • Kissing a man without a mustache is like going to the bathroom without your phone.
  • Kissing a man without a mustache is like getting a dog, but not a cool dog.
  • Kissing a man without a mustache is like when the waitress asks you if Pepsi is okay.
  • Kissing a man without a mustache is like forgetting to bring your skateboards to high school:

  • Kissing a man without a mustache is like wearing pants, even when there’s no one home.
  • Kissing a man without a mustache is like voting for Donald Trump.
  • Kissing a mustache without a man is just totally f***ed up.
  • Kissing a man without a mustache is like reading this blog but not buying my new videogame.

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Dial U for Uggo

croc-cell-phone-holder

What’s weird about this isn’t the fact that it’s super-ugly; that’s a given. This is a company that went out of its way to find the ugliest thing they could, and then manufacture a smaller version of it that sits on your desk. They’re clearly under the influence of dark magic and must be destroyed; but that’s beside the point here.

No, what’s weird is that it’s labeled a “cell phone holder”, but that thing inside the shoe is clearly an ancient relic of a lost civilization. It even has an antenna. Cavemen used antennas; read a book some time. (You might be able to find one in a museum, next to this cell phone.)

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The Poster of the Loneliest Person in the World

See also: The Coffee Mug of the Loneliest Person in the World.

Okay, yes, it’s cute; yes, teddy bears are awesome. (Also yes, that $12 price tag is the craziest thing.)

But holy sh*t, how bad do your friends have to be before you come up with some of these? “Teddy bears are great! They don’t laugh at your clothes!” “They never tell you you’re too fat!” “They never sleep with your boyfriend and wait until your wedding day to tell you!” I sort of want to give this person a hug, but I’m afraid their hug muscles are so atrophied that their chest would just cave in.

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