That’s Just Science

the-heart-never-wrinkles-coaster-tile

I had no idea what this was, and trying to figure it out led me down a weird Internet Rabbit Hole of grade-school lesson plans where you create a big heart out of construction paper, and then destroy it in front of a bunch of first-graders:

wrinkled-heartsI also found a second “the heart never wrinkles” tile that sold on Etsy in 2009, and THAT led me to the actual artist’s page! The wonders of the Information Superhighway. Here’s a couple pretty spectacular pun tiles (and one that I think sounds a little judgey).

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Just Don’t, Whatever

please-do-not-gumball-machine
*stuffs mouth full of candy* wait, please don’t what

Not technically a thing for sale, although it looked like it’d been untouched in the thrift store long enough that I could’ve made an offer on it.

Side-note: Has anyone ever seen Mike ‘n’ Ikes in a gumball machine that didn’t look like you should probably carbon-date them before eating them? They’re like the magic chests in Chrono Triggerno one living remembers where they came from; they’ve just always been. This is candy that predates time itself.

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You Tried

deformed-mugs

Someone was trying really hard to make something cool in pottery class. …To be fair, it’s not like I could’ve done any better. I wasted entire days in art class “trying to come up with an idea” so I wouldn’t have to actually art anything. I think I only passed because my teacher knew my mom.

FWIW, there’s a teapot that goes with them:

deformed-teapot

The best part is, you can have the entire set for only  forty goddamn American dollars. (They were originally priced at $10 each, until someone saw they were a set and decided to make it worse.)

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Come Celebrate With Us

dolls-ala-mode

TIL that literally everything can be made creepy with dolls.

Did I ever tell you guys about the time we were driving through South Jerseylike, deep deep South Jerseyand saw a community of people decorating their properties by nailing dolls to trees? It wasn’t Halloween or anything; it was like July. We stopped for a yard sale at one and saw they had dolls nailed to the house, too.

Anyway these things are just doll catalogs, but I’d like to imagine they’re coffee-table books for the sort of person who’d nail a doll to their house.

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Man’s Best Kingdom

dog-castle

Most of the time if it looks like a bundle of trash, it probably is. (I mean not literally, but no one’s stuffing their fine china or finer videogames into a garbage bag. Garbage bags usually mean garbage goods.) Which is one of the reasons why it’s good to label some of the more ambiguous things you’re trying to pawn off on peoplebecause what looks above like a wooden baby gate propped up to keep banana peels and junk mail from spilling all over the place…

dog-castle-closeup

…is actually an elaborate princess-bedroom for your dog! Seriously, look at that thing. That dog sleeps better than I do. (I choose to believe they only donated it to the thrift store because Pointer got an even nicer bed.)

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VH-YES: Couch

couch-vhs-front-cover 

Picked up at a thrift store in New Jersey a looooong time ago, like we’re talking high school. (For reference, it was my birthday a couple weeks ago, and I turned 400.)

couch-vhs-back-coverMy friend and I used to watch this every time we hung outto the point where, years later, I was still carrying it around in the trunk of my car, just in case. It’s a weird, sweet little indie film about the life cycle of a couch, from store to living room to curb, back to a new living roomthe people it’s touched (and the people who’ve touched it). …Which of course appeals to the yardsaler in me. Half the things I own used to belong to someone else and had their own life stories and people who loved them and used them for a million different things before I found them on the quarter table; and as long as I take good care of them they’ll probably find still more people to love them in the future.

Anyway, here’s the whole thing, because I don’t think there’s anywhere else you can watch this (you can’t even BUY the tape online anywhere, let alone find it elsewhere on YouTube). Continue reading

The 8 Strangest Things You Can Buy at My Yard Sale

It’s finally happening: I’m turning the camera around, and focusing on some of the weird stuff that I’m selling at my own yard sale. Hoisting myself by my own petard, as they say! Slipping on my own banana peel! Dropping an anvil on myself! I think the metaphor got away from me…

Anyway as you know we moved, and we did the thing that smart people do: shipped the entirety of our worldly possessions cross-country, and then decided to cull it down a bit, after realizing we couldn’t physically fit the amount of crap we’ve amassed over the years into our new house. (This is probably Lizo’s fault, since I never amass large piles of garbage.) It was either annex our neighbors’ propertywhich they seemed patently unwilling to agree toor have a yard sale of our own.

our-yard-sale

This is what our yard sale looked like right after we’d finished setting it up. For comparison, here’s a shot I took at the end of the day:

our-yard-sale

As you can see, it would be exaggerating to say that business was good. It would also be exaggerating to say that any business happened at all.

We did have one customer, Bob, who was nice enough to give our weird collection of goods a once-over, all the while providing a colorful running commentary. “Those wooden spoons should be good for spankings!” he told me. “Yeahhhhh!!” (The way he said it sounded like he didn’t mean for misbehaving children.)

Then, as he was looking over some recipe books, there was “Vegetarian cooking?? That’s what FOOD eats! Ewwwwww!!” He actually said “eww” like that, like a child discovering belly-button lint. Later, as we were ringing up his purchases: “I’ll take the knives. …I need to go back and get dressed first, though.” (It’s at this point I should mention that he was wearing a pair of rubber overalls, with both of the straps down, and nothing else.) Bob was great. Things got a little awkward though when someone mentioned the Amy Winehouse documentary, and Bob muttered “another dead druggie.”

Oh, Bob.

Bob wasn’t our only customer, but he was one of maybe a dozenmost of which were neighbors who were out walking their dogs and wondering why we had the entire contents of a Sam Goody circa 2002 dumped out on our driveway. We were asked “did you guys advertise?” at least a half-dozen times, with “because I had no idea this was even happening” politely left unspoken. Then around 11:30, we had a freak thunderstorm (the first rain we’ve seen since moving here) and most of our stuff got water-logged. It was not a very good sale.

Where did we go wrong? Well for one, the house we’re renting is on a peninsula with a population smaller than my high school’s graduating class, so any yard sale we had here was doomed to failure. I guess in hindsight, too, I wish I hadn’t called out “early birds”those people who show up before your scheduled start timein my Craigslist ad like I did:

craigslist-ad

Also, our sign didn’t make it through the rain so good.

All-in-all I sort of hate yard sales now, so this is the end of the blog forever.

Okay I lied. Here’s a sampling of some of the weird stuff we tried to sell to Bob!

Continue reading