Burned Out

I’m not getting political here; there’s just something so sad to me about a Bernie supporter in California (California!) tossing away his bumper sticker more than a month before the primary even happens. Like a kid playing Ninja Turtles dejectedly putting away his toy bo staff and saying “whatever, Raphael’s fine”.

(On the same weekend I found this, California held its delegate elections, and man, if there was ever anything to prove to me that our whole system of voting needs to be tossed into a volcano, it was waiting in line to vote for the person who’d be voting for the person I want to vote for in the primary. …At least there were cookies.)

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Zippergate ’98!

Okay quick, before I explain what’s inside the box, does anyone want to make any guesses? A set of cigars shaped like Bill Clinton’s sax, perhaps? Maybe an actual Zippergate zipper?*** A red, white and blue tie with a little weird stain on it?

Nope. It’s…

The Eight Secret U.S. Presidents

Hey guys, look! It’s a Space Jam stylus for your home tablet!!

(Less blurry picture available here, although it’s not the same exact one I found.)

Okay, yeah, I know you’re probably getting tired of Space Jam (haha, like that’s a thing that’s possible), but this one comes with a story.

I found it in a museum.

Specifically, this museum:

I’m not going to say what it is or where it is. The person who runs it seems to Google himself pretty regularly (or maybe his kids do, or else he just knows when someone’s talking about him on the Internet), and I don’t want him to find this. Please don’t try to find it yourself, either; I don’t want anyone harassing the guy because they read my dumb post about it.

…But this f***ing place, oh my god.

The Founding Brewers

Fun fact: As bad as that  is, it’s not even the creepiest vintage Abraham Lincoln mug we’ve featured on this site before.

Also seen in the back there is the rare “Thomas Jefferson coffee mug,” complete with “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” quote and apparently worth $300*?! WAIT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME. THE THING COST TWO DOLLARS AND I COULD’VE FLIPPED IT FOR THREE-HUNDO?!

brb, gotta go start knocking on some doors

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(*Actually, it looks like the one I found has red hair, not gray like the original Royal Doulton version. The Benjamin Franklin, too, has a blue kite sticking out of his ear, instead of a yellow kite floating next to him. I’m pretty sure these are generic knock-offs and I didn’t just pass on $1,200 worth of coffee mugs for $2 a pop.)

(At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.)

Nighty Night, Mr. President

Your eye might be drawn to the fact that MR. AND MRS. BUSH ARE SLEEPING IN YOUR SHOES, but I’d like to point something else out: the pair of skydivers (??) in the background? A couple people jumping for joy? “YAY!” they’re thinking. “WE’RE ON GEORGE BUSH’S FACE!”

Imagine those two faces are the first thing you see when you get out of bed.

Thanks to Nancy Drew enthusiast and virtual spaceman Michael Gray for sending this in! (That second link is like eight years old, but I’m still going to talk about it whenever I mention Michael because I don’t know anyone else whose DNA is in outer-space with Stephen Colbert’s.)

She Was Eaten to DEATH

*ahem* Let’s get doewn to business; we have a lot of madeerial to cover. (…I’m so sorry. Those are some of my worst puns yet. My Aunt Ler would be so ashamed.)

Today’s adventure started off with a “blue light”—which is, as described earlier, a term my mom coined for yardsales that sneak up on you, like that axe murderer that’s creeping up behind you right now. Although as it turned out, I did see this one listed on Craigslist the night before. The post just had one critical flaw:

They didn’t include an address. Which—as you might imagine—is a bit of a problem when you’re trying to visit someone’s house. My GPS is an older model; it doesn’t understand how to get me from Spring Street to “near Route 67, past where the old supermarket used to be.”

So how did I know it was the same sale? They mentioned in the post that they had a bunch of gravestones for sale, and, well…

They sure did!

My favorite, by far: “Here lies BETH. She was eaten to DEATH.” (Although “SALLY BASS got overcome by GAS” comes in at a close second.)

A whopping $50 for the whole lot though; they must’ve read my post about ridiculous Connecticut Prices, and took it as a challenge. “Oh, he thinks $4 for a scratched up CD is bad? Just wait until I charge half a hundo for these cardboard things I painted!”

Although that said, for only $5 I could’ve taken home this fantastic lobster rug:

…but it’s a good thing I didn’t get my claws into that; I ended up buying another awesome rug at a different sale, and I think if I brought them both home my wife might’ve boiled me alive. (Like a lobster.)

Later in the day, I came across…