Gaze Long Into the Abyss

I know what you’re thinking—”man, I’m gonna be SUPER disappointed if this is just a collection of vaguely Shrek-adjacent Top 40 hits, and Eddie Murphy doesn’t even sing a single cover in his hilarious Donkey persona.”

Good news:

As Random YouTube Commenter puts it:




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Howliday Favorites in Dog!

I know I said I was on break, but this was too good festive musical? whatever I can’t even with this to pass up.

It’s that Wonderful Time of Year™ again when enormous blow-up snowmen invade people’s lawns, Holiday in Handcuffs is finally on TV again and I have flashbacks to that one time my programming teacher left barking jingle bells play on loop and just left the room for 50 goddamn minutes. Today, I’m here to share that experience with you.

I picked up “Howliday Favorites in Dog!” (underlining theirs) (but sassy replication all mine) at Dollar Bargain, the literally dead horse that I’ve been beating for over a year now. (I have to mention it whenever I picked up something at Dollar Bargain, because it’s the only way I’ll get enough SEO points to be the Internet’s leading resource on Dollar Bargain Dollar Bargain Dollar Bargain.)

It’s an entire album of dogs barking out holiday classics with festive pun-filled names, from the obvious “Santa Claws,” to the I-guess-that’s-clever “Fetch All Ye Faithful,” to “Odoriferous Joy,” which took me a very long time to figure out was a reference to that holiday classic (?) Ode to Joy. The joke being that dogs…(wait for it) are smelly. (Hi, I’m Paul Franzen, joke-explainer.)

Anyway here’s all fourteen songs from the album. I’m sorry in advance for ruining your holiday party.

BARK HUMBUG!! (Man, I think I missed my calling. Or should that be…………….howling.)

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Mona Lisa’s Vinyl

Happy Labor Day, everyone!! I know you’re all spending your free day playing videogames doing chores, so here’s some tunes to keep you grooving!!

cleaning-to-the-classicsThose two beautiful words: “Hallmark Music”.

I didn’t think to take a shot of the back of the CD, so we could see, you know, what’s actually on itbut the Information Superhighway as always has my back:

  1. Khatchaturian – Sabre Dance
  2. Wagner – Ride of the Valkyries
  3. Mussogorsky – Night On Bald Mountain
  4. Verdi – Triumphal March
  5. Ipolitov-Ivanov – Caucasian Sketches
  6. Verdi – Anvil Chorus
  7. Berlioz – Damnation of Faust
  8. Strauss – Thunder and Lightening Fast Polkas
  9. Beethoven – The Storm from Symphony 6
  10. Rimsky-Korsakov – Cortege
  11. Tchaikovsky – 1812 Overture

“Khatchaturian just makes you want to go into action!” raves one reviewer. “Cleaning has never been funner!” exclamation-points another.

Also, in case you were wondering, this ISN’T EVEN the only cleaning-themed CD out there.

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♪ Keep Your Pants Up, Buddy ♪

Found in a box of garbage at the Dollar Bargain: a singing greeting card that includes an actual CD!


Uhhhh…. Wait, what?


Keep your pants up, buddy
If you know what’s
Good for you! (??????)
You’re my Buddy!
You’re mine all alone!
And Honey, I’d suggest
you best stay at home! (WHAT IS THIS CARD EVEN FOR)
For there’s nothing out there
worth your time
You’re my Buddy! You are mine all mine!

WHAT THE F*** IS GOING ON. (And to think there’s nine other songs on this CD. Yeah, I probably should’ve just bought this one.)

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Nobody Loves You, Re-seller

Today, we bring you a SPECIAL REPORT, from what is being hailed as “Connecticut’s Largest Yardsale”! When I saw the sign, I just had to go. I had no idea we even had one of those!

…Yeah, it turns out we don’tif anything it was more like “Connecticut’s Most Moderately-Sized Flea Market.” (Which, granted, probably wouldn’t have fit on the sign.) And if I’m not funny today, you can blame that, because if you’re expecting a ginormous yardsale and all you get is a bunch of people selling pieces of garbage they glued together, you’re basically gonna be Grumpy Cat for the rest of the day.


Why? Allow me to explain in like a million words. Continue reading

Season’s Creepings

It’s been a rocky start to the 2014 yardsale season. My mother’s crocuses have started popping up, which I’m told is a sign that spring has officially sprung, although I’ve always had one question about that, and that is—”hey, what are crocuses?” (She thinks I’m kidding. Sorry Mom.)

Thanks to the weather basically being always winter (and never Christmas), most of your normal yardsale tycoons haven’t started piling junk into their front lawns yet, so the few sales I’ve been finding have tended to fall into one of two categories:

1) Creeper Sales

You know the type—there’s a sign outside that says “yardsale today!”, but there’s nothing on the lawn. No person is standing outside. The shades are drawn and the door is closed; the lights are dim. The door might even be locked. You think that if you go inside, there’s a 50% chance that it’ll reek of cat pee, and a 100% chance that you’ll find Anthony Perkins sitting there in a wig. They look sort of like this:


I don’t think it’s any coincidence that my wife and I saw the New England Spiritual Team racing by earlier today in their mystery machine.

I found two of these creeper sales this week, and three last week. I always feel somewhat robbed when I find them—which is ironic, because that’s exactly what would happen if I ever went inside. They’re basically the “want some candy, little boy?” of yardsales. No one’s ever reported coming back from one alive.

On the other hand, you’ve got…sort of the opposite of that (although with the same probability of dying):

Continue reading

Welcome to Earth, Moonmen!

It was BACK TO THE SALES this week, after about a month of visiting family, attending weddings, documenting state-wide beard and goat competitions, and also sleeping sometimes, because seriously you have to get up at like 7 in the goddamn morning to find any “good stuff,” and sometimes that “good stuff” just ain’t worth it.

I picked the wroooong weekend to come back. Continue reading