Howliday Favorites in Dog!

I know I said I was on break, but this was too good festive musical? whatever I can’t even with this to pass up.

It’s that Wonderful Time of Year™ again when enormous blow-up snowmen invade people’s lawns, Holiday in Handcuffs is finally on TV again and I have flashbacks to that one time my programming teacher left barking jingle bells play on loop and just left the room for 50 goddamn minutes. Today, I’m here to share that experience with you.

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I picked up “Howliday Favorites in Dog!” (underlining theirs) (but sassy replication all mine) at Dollar Bargain, the literally dead horse that I’ve been beating for over a year now. (I have to mention it whenever I picked up something at Dollar Bargain, because it’s the only way I’ll get enough SEO points to be the Internet’s leading resource on Dollar Bargain Dollar Bargain Dollar Bargain.)

It’s an entire album of dogs barking out holiday classics with festive pun-filled names, from the obvious “Santa Claws,” to the I-guess-that’s-clever “Fetch All Ye Faithful,” to “Odoriferous Joy,” which took me a very long time to figure out was a reference to that holiday classic (?) Ode to Joy. The joke being that dogs…(wait for it) are smelly. (Hi, I’m Paul Franzen, joke-explainer.)

Anyway here’s all fourteen songs from the album. I’m sorry in advance for ruining your holiday party.


BARK HUMBUG!! (Man, I think I missed my calling. Or should that be…………….howling.)

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Man’s Best Kingdom

dog-castle

Most of the time if it looks like a bundle of trash, it probably is. (I mean not literally, but no one’s stuffing their fine china or finer videogames into a garbage bag. Garbage bags usually mean garbage goods.) Which is one of the reasons why it’s good to label some of the more ambiguous things you’re trying to pawn off on peoplebecause what looks above like a wooden baby gate propped up to keep banana peels and junk mail from spilling all over the place…

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…is actually an elaborate princess-bedroom for your dog! Seriously, look at that thing. That dog sleeps better than I do. (I choose to believe they only donated it to the thrift store because Pointer got an even nicer bed.)

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Don’t Tell Me if I Do

Welcome to the 2015 yard sale season! If you’re new to the blog, I like to share the creepy, weird, awesome and hilarious things I tend to find while I’m digging through people’s (often literal) garbage at yard sales and thrift stores.

Why? Partly to justify spending all my Saturdays doing this instead of staying in bed with a big bowl of cereal and Saturday morning cartoons (or at least whatever passes for that when you’re an adultmaybe kale and NPR?), and partly because I can’t stop laughing when I find stuff like:

do-you-look-like-your-dog-board-game

(Note the markup on the price stickeroriginally mispriced at $1.99, and then bumped up to $2. I bet someone got fired over that goof.)

At the same thrift store, they were also selling a board game that teaches you how to make friends—which sounds depressing enough by itself, until you start to think about the lonely kid playing it at home on a Friday night because it hasn’t worked yet. “Roll a D6 to learn what hugs feel like.” “Okay, Mom.”

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A Bag of Dogs From Rugrats

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Another gem from Dollar Bargain! These guys were sitting under a table, inside a box with a bunch of memorabilia from Universal Studios (including several talking Twister magnets. Yeah, like the movie.). The fact that we’re letting this store go out of business instead of enshrining it is proof that we don’t even deserve this planet.

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Responsible Pet Ownership: The Game

Remember last week, when I wrote this cool, somewhat introspective piece about a guy who has a museum in his living room about the eight secret U.S. Presidents no one ever tells you about?

This…is 100% not that article.

doggie-doo-1

what….

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no, no stop…

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STOP

I left this one right where I found it. Seemed oddly appropriate.

Update: Thanks to Yard Sale Adventurer clevercolecrow, now I know it has a commercial:

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