It’s finally happening: I’m turning the camera around, and focusing on some of the weird stuff that I’m selling at my own yard sale. Hoisting myself by my own petard, as they say! Slipping on my own banana peel! Dropping an anvil on myself! I think the metaphor got away from me…
Anyway as you know we moved, and we did the thing that smart people do: shipped the entirety of our worldly possessions cross-country, and then decided to cull it down a bit, after realizing we couldn’t physically fit the amount of crap we’ve amassed over the years into our new house. (This is probably Lizo’s fault, since I never amass large piles of garbage.) It was either annex our neighbors’ property—which they seemed patently unwilling to agree to—or have a yard sale of our own.
This is what our yard sale looked like right after we’d finished setting it up. For comparison, here’s a shot I took at the end of the day:
As you can see, it would be exaggerating to say that business was good. It would also be exaggerating to say that any business happened at all.
We did have one customer, Bob, who was nice enough to give our weird collection of goods a once-over, all the while providing a colorful running commentary. “Those wooden spoons should be good for spankings!” he told me. “Yeahhhhh!!” (The way he said it sounded like he didn’t mean for misbehaving children.)
Then, as he was looking over some recipe books, there was “Vegetarian cooking?? That’s what FOOD eats! Ewwwwww!!” He actually said “eww” like that, like a child discovering belly-button lint. Later, as we were ringing up his purchases: “I’ll take the knives. …I need to go back and get dressed first, though.” (It’s at this point I should mention that he was wearing a pair of rubber overalls, with both of the straps down, and nothing else.) Bob was great. Things got a little awkward though when someone mentioned the Amy Winehouse documentary, and Bob muttered “another dead druggie.”
Bob wasn’t our only customer, but he was one of maybe a dozen—most of which were neighbors who were out walking their dogs and wondering why we had the entire contents of a Sam Goody circa 2002 dumped out on our driveway. We were asked “did you guys advertise?” at least a half-dozen times, with “because I had no idea this was even happening” politely left unspoken. Then around 11:30, we had a freak thunderstorm (the first rain we’ve seen since moving here) and most of our stuff got water-logged. It was not a very good sale.
Where did we go wrong? Well for one, the house we’re renting is on a peninsula with a population smaller than my high school’s graduating class, so any yard sale we had here was doomed to failure. I guess in hindsight, too, I wish I hadn’t called out “early birds”—those people who show up before your scheduled start time—in my Craigslist ad like I did:
Also, our sign didn’t make it through the rain so good.
All-in-all I sort of hate yard sales now, so this is the end of the blog forever.
Okay I lied. Here’s a sampling of some of the weird stuff we tried to sell
Beanie Babies Trading Cards!
No no, not the Beanie Babies themselves. Please. I’m not even allowed to touch those. These are the collectible trading cards based on the Beanie Babies dolls. They’re only commons, though. We spent an eventful Saturday evening a few weeks ago sorting them out.
(Lest you think that was a particularly wild evening for us, just last night we were sorting rocks.)
As my cousin put it on Twitter:
Spooky lighting not included, although a few dead bugs definitely were! And before you ask—no, they’re not worth anything. Neither are the cups.
A Badass Skeleton Riding a Flaming Motorcycle!
…wait, this ended up in the sale box?! LOOKS LIKE I’VE GOT MORE SORTING TO DO! (I choose to believe those things on the side of the motorcycle are flames, although I’d also buy spooky crab claws.)
Whatever This Thing Is!
The tag says “if you can tell us what this is, you can have it for free, because we have no idea”. It’s been in our kitchen for about four years.
One of our customers (Bob, of course, because nobody showed up but Bob) (but at least he visited three separate times) (two of those wearing clothes) actually solved the puzzle—it’s a cherry-pitter. For pitting cherries. And here I thought it was a really sh***y toothbrush holder.
Some Yardsaling to Adventure Classics!
Remember these? They’ve now officially entered the yard sale catch-and-release program. (The vomiting-pumpkin t-shirt was even highlighted specifically in our Craigslist ad, as you might’ve seen above. …I wonder if that’s what scared people off.) They’ve lived with me a little while, and now it’s time for them to bring joy to some other weird-beard hipster.
A Box of Videogames!
Speaking of YtA classics…! These are all games that I’ve been trying to trade off for years without any bites (Marie Antoinette: the videogame, I’m looking at you), and since the trading site I’ve been using seems to be on death’s door*, I figured it’s time to just dump these wherever I can.
Only one person looked at the box. “They’re videogames!” I chirped, helpfully. “Oh,” she responded, like she thought we might’ve been adults and was disappointed to find otherwise.
* Pro-tip: When a site has so many complaints on its forums that it shuts down its forums rather than actually deal with them, that’s usually a bad sign.
New Millennium Christmas Pillow!
The funny thing is, I bought it in 2012. New. Like, in a store.
…I ended up putting it back in my closet before the sale even ended.
Tetris: The Board Game!
Yep, it’s a thing! And with the coupon (still in the box), I’m pretty sure anyone who bought this would’ve technically been making a profit. I’m sure Funcoland would still honor it.
…oh man, “blockbuster”! I get it now!
If you’d like to take any of this stuff off my hands, you have until…whenever I make it out to Goodwill to e-mail me! I am accepting trades for rare Beanie Babies cards, and that’s it. Also you have to take the hippo.
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