More Videogame Crap!

And we’re back! The other day I wrote a little about a magical box of poop that turned out to have some videogames in it; today, I’ll be talking about: more of the poop! Dive in (to the poop) with me, won’t you?

Lands of Lore III plus strategy guide: Oh, poop.

Actually, wait; this one looks like an actual videogame! We’re off to a strong start! I’ve never heard of Lands of Lore III before, and whenever I try to read the description on the back of the box my eyes kind of glaze over, but Wikipedia helpfully tells me that it “is the third game in the Lands of Lore computer game series,” so…there’s that.

Plus, it comes with a free coupon for EarthLink’s Internet service! I hope it hasn’t been used up already. I think I might’ve actually used a free version EarthLink when I was a kid, back in my rebellious period. (My dad was an AOL guy, you see.)

Betrayal in Antara plus strategy guide: Never heard of this one before, either, but a few Googles tell me it’s a Bauldur’s Gate-style RPG, and also that “Antara” is a kind of dietary drug. (I wonder if they play off of that in the game.) Also—I didn’t learn this from Google, but from looking around my apartment—I think this strategy guide might be the largest book in my entire household, and that’s saying something, because my wife is a graduate student. I bet this game’s complicated.

Here’s my question, though: Where the heck were these games during my last post?! Did I just happen to pull every terrible thing in this box at once? Does that mean it’s only good stuff from here on out?

(Cue joke.)

Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude: Apparently not.

Actually, you might laugh, but this game was one of the big reasons I even bought this stupid lot in the first place. I’ve always been curious about it—a console version of a reboot of an adults-only Sierra adventure game from the early ’90s? This thing belongs in a curiosities shoppe, but my videogame shelf will do. Plus, I’ve been interested in this game ever since I became Facebook friends with the guy who wrote it.

That said, yes—I am aware that the chief gameplay mechanics in this game involve trying to sleep with co-eds, and also peeing and farting. (You actually have a pee button.) I think I’ll give myself a special treat if I can play it for more than an hour without writing poetry about how much I hate myself now.

Lego Creator: Knights Kingdom: Something about this game reminds me of Neal Iannone’s old rant about Lego Batman:

Ugh. I’ve been saying this since the first Lego Star Wars came out, and no one seems to agree. … I don’t care if it’s Batman or Santa or Paul Newman—this concept is asinine. If you want to play Batman, get a cape and climb onto your roof, and if you want to play Legos, just buy a box like any decent person. Do we really live in an age where we have to play with virtual toys? Isn’t the whole point of a toy to be able to fucking pick it up? This franchise only proves how far removed our modern backwards society is from reality. Please get a grip.

I feel like this is the kind of game he was really upset about, not the very much an awesome videogame Lego Star Wars. In this game, you literally are building things out of Legos, and then doing things with them, which is ultimately a lot less fun than just doing those things in real life.

On the other hand, a Lego castle set would cost me upwards of a hundred dollars, whereas if I do the math, this one cost me about 20 cents. In these Tough Economic Times, we all have to make sacrifices. This is mine.

3-D Dinosaur Adventure: This might be my favorite pull from the box yet. Its tagline: “Are dinosaurs really extinct? Tell it to the Velociraptor in my room!” LOVE.

I hate to do a block-quote two entries in a row, but just look at all the great things you can do in this game:

This program is the definitive multimedia guide to the “lifestyles of the large and scaly.” Open the gates of the first-ever virtual reality dinosaur theme park. Take the Triassic Tour. Roam the Jurassic Jungle. Explore the Cretaceous Corner. Visit the world’s first 3-D museum with its awesome collection. View bone-chilling, head-spinning movies.

I would very much like to be besties with the guy who got stuck writing this copy. Unfortunately—this game requires 7 MB of free space, and it recommends that you own a mouse. I’m not sure if my PC is up to spec. Though, on the plus side…

Burned Windows XP disc: I’ve already got the operating system handy.

NFL 2K3: And we’re back to the games I have nothing interesting to say about. I didn’t even know they made football games that weren’t either Madden or filled with monsters.

Cabela’s Ultimate Deer Hunt 2: We’ll get through this section soon; I promise. (Who are they quoting when they say “100% Pure Deer Action,” anyway?)

IHRA Motorsports Drag Racing 2004: OK, seriously: Hardcore RPGs and sports game? What kind of Frankenstein’s monster is this person? “I’ll take the arms of a nerd, the legs of a jock, and…”

Foundations of College Chemistry: “…the brains of a Chem major?” I’m about one mysterious wallet and six Halo 2 multiplayer map discs away from calling the FBI.

Mysterious wallet and six Halo 2 multiplayer map discs: WHAT IS THIS?!

I’ll be back in a mo’; you just keep the blog warm for me in the meantime.

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