Still More Videogame Crap!

Good lord, I’m not finished with these friggin’ boxes yet?! Let’s start taking these things two, or three, or 18 at a time; I don’t think I can handle much more of this.

Myst and Lighthouse: Figures I’d wait until everyone’s interest is waning before getting to the good stuff. If you’re reading my blog, you probably already know what Myst is. I’ve never actually played it before (guess I can now, though!), but it’s apparently a game where you click on everything until you win. Lighthouse is the same thing, except that it’s apparently for kids, so I guess it’s even easier. Maybe you don’t have to click anymore; maybe it’s just an .avi file that you open in VLC.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines special features disc: Yeah, OK. At least that old wallet had the possibility of cash. This just has the possibility of Arnold Schwarzenegger bloopers. Next.

Compton’s Interactive Encyclopedia: 1997 edition: What’s this, a book? Everyone knows that’s the worst kind of videogame. Next!!

They Call Me SKUL: Volume 2: Despite having the best name for anything that I have ever heard in my entire life, this one’s also a book! A sneaky, sneaky comic book! The instruction manual says that there’s some kind of minigame, too, and that you can use this disc in a CD player to listen to the game’s soundtrack. I remember when games used to do that. Whatever happened to that? That was neat. I’m starting to fall asleep.

A couple of Rainbow Six games: I can’t tell if that one on the top is a demo disc, or what; it kinda looks like one, but I guess it could just be cheap packaging.

I only have this vague idea that Rainbow Six is even a videogame. It’s kind of like Joe Biden in that respect: I know it’s a thing, and I know it’s a thing I should probably know something about…but I don’t. Maybe I’ll learn something by playing with it. And with the game, too, for that matter.

Lands of Lore: Guardians of Destiny: Man, is that some boxart, or what?! When I showed this game to Lizo (in an attempt to scare her, because LOOK AT IT), she remarked that it looks like an FMV game. It’s four discs long, so I’m guessing that’s probably true. Also, one of the other games from this box (from Day One, I think) had a catalog of games by this company, and other related merchandise, and one of the items was a t-shirt with the cover of this game on it. I like how I don’t even have to come up with a Christmas list anymore now.

Interactive CD Volume 7: I don’t think I can ever actually run this disc. Its possibilities are so much more enticing to me than its probable reality. An “interactive CD”? The seventh in a series? Is this some kind of art project? A prototype for what compact discs could someday become? A new way to experience videogames through your CD player?!

It’s probably just a demo disc, but I’ll never know for sure.

Three more games I’m never going to play: They’ve gotta be worth at least 300 points on Goozex, though, so maybe I can use them to get a few more copies of the King’s Quest series! My new life’s goal is to wallpaper a room with them.

Resident Evil 2: Yet another stupid videogame that I’ll–WAIT A SECOND! This one’s real! A real videogame! And they said you can’t find diamonds in dung, or at least they should have, because that alliteration is dope.

My only experience with the Resident Evil franchise is watching some guy nasal his way through the first game on YouTube, so I’m probably due to give it a shot. Of course, the box does say “if the suspense doesn’t kill you…something else will,” which I’m inclined to take as a threat. Maybe I need to report these guys to the FBI, too.

Survivor: The Interactive Game: This actually almost sounds like a legitimate attempt to make a videogame out of Survivor. You get to try to win over the members of your tribe, take on reward challenges and immunity challenges, vote in the Tribal Council, and so on. I’ve never actually seen Surviror, though, so I don’t know what any of those words mean. I just hope that playing it eventually leads me to a position with a national pro-wrestling organization. (I don’t know what to tell you; I’m just trying to put what little knowledge I have of the show to some use.)

Everything else: I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I decided it would be a great idea to write all three of these videogame articles at once, instead of day-by-day, as I was posting them. There is absolutely nothing left in my brain at this point. I can’t even make a joke about the goofy gigantic hand on the Learn Typing boxart, or the complete design disaster that is the Civil War cover art. I can’t even Wikipedia what the hell Photo Explosion special edition is. I’m at around 3,000 words total for all three posts now, and I just want to stop.

When can I stop?!

…oh my God, is that it?! Am I finally through the boxes of death?! Can I sleep now?! Can I please sleep now?! Let’s take one more look at the pile o’ loot:

That’s right: All of that, for only five bucks.

And with that, I’m never going to yardsales again. The end.

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5 thoughts on “Still More Videogame Crap!

  1. Ahhh, Lighthouse is DEFINITELY not for kids!!! When I was little, I watched my dad play the first 5 minutes of the game, which involves searching around an empty building while a baby cries eerily from some yet-undiscovered room. It scarred me for life!! (Also, I’m a wimp.)

  2. Roubillard says:

    Hi
    Can you please do me a favor, there is a trumpet sample in compton’s encyclopedia, i reallllly need to know the title of the song, many thanks

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