TWO BOXES OF “VIDEOGAMES”!

When we last left our blogger, he was mournful. (Actually, he was elated, due to a cultural phenomenon that he alone discovered, but before that—totes mournful.) He’d passed up on the find of a lifetime because he thought the $4 price tag was a touch too high. A price tag too high for happiness? Yeah, right. Dejected, he continued on through the sales, knowing deep down that anything he did from that point on would be meaningless.

That is, until the last yardsale, when he found these:

TWO BOXES OF GARBAGE! I mean, no—two whole boxes of videogames. For only $5.

That’s right. The day was saved!

…or, was it? Let’s take a look at what those five bucks bought him. First up:

This is not a good start.

Three copies of the Alan Wake Official Survival Bundle: It looks like the dude running the sale was hoping to turn a profit on these: he bought all three at GameStop for a grand total of one penny each. This set includes a strategy guide for Alan Wake and a hardcover art book, both of which would be much more interesting to me if Alan Wake had any more gameplay than “turn on your flashlight” and any more story than “attack the darkness!” Still, maybe I’ll be able to turn it around myself, on eBay or something…

Maybe not.

Revolution X: Hey, an actual videogame, only three items into my box of videogames! Revolution X is a game I reviewed for GameCola back in 2005, back before I knew how to write. If you’ve never heard of it before, it’s a game in which the government is oppressing the masses but, more importantly, Aerosmith has been kidnapped, and you have to do everything in your power to rescue them.

Only, the only power you actually have is to throw compact discs at your enemies. I’m serious. The game’s tagline is “music is the weapon,” but what they really mean is “here are some old Kidz Bop CDs; good luck with all those guys who have guns!”

I’ve only ever played the Sega Genesis version before, but according to Wikipedia, the biggest difference between the two is that this version has more blood; it’s still missing the strippers from the arcade version. I also like how the description on the box says that this game is “based on the #1 arcade smash.” What about this game was a “smash,” exactly? Is it because that’s what people felt like doing to the arcade unit after playing it? (…Maybe I still don’t know how to write.)

Ah, I’m being too harsh. At least if some government comes oppressing me, I’ll have something I can throw at it now.

More strategy guides for games I have no interest in playing: I’m starting to get really curious about these. Did the previous owner hit some kind of mega-sale at a GameStop that was shutting down? Was he just that terrible at every game he ever played? Was he in love with the person who wrote them—if I entered his house, would I have seen a creepy serial-killer shrine to the mother FAQer? I should’ve asked.

Hot Shots Golf: I believe this 1995 PS1 golf sim has been generally well-received; but more importantly, this copy has a pack-in for a contest! All I have to do is play through the game’s “Mystery Mode,” write down the password the game gives me, and then send this card in for a chance to win a PS1 multitap and some golf balls! I know what at least some of those words mean! This slip is probably still valid, right? What do you think would happen if I turned it in?

Planetary Taxi: Hey, is this anything like Moon Taxi? Sounds like it might be! The back of the box says that you:

Zoom through a scale model of the solar system at the wheel of your own cosmic taxicab, picking up and dropping off wacky passengers…

So far, so good… There’s even quotes from elementary school teachers about how kids can have fun, and learn something, too, how even adults will get something out of this game, how—I’m not making this up—the developers of this game should be canonized for making it. But what was that about “wacky passengers”?

…picking up and dropping off wacky passengers—a mountain climber, an alien, a werewolf—as you go.

Hey kids, remember that time Galileo was driving a space taxi, and he took Fenrir Grayback on a trip from Mars to the Sun? AND THEN THEY BOTH DIED, BECAUSE IT WAS THE SUN?! We really learned a lot that day. Why aren’t those guys saints yet?

Cabela’s Deer Hunt 2004 Season: It’s the “World’s Number One Hunting Games”! You know, I often wonder how typos end up on mass-produced materials like this, or like the Christmas tree ornament from the other day. How does nobody notice? I can understand one guy making/missing the mistake, because everyone messes up sometimes; but there must’ve been dozens of people looking at this cover without noticing the pluralization error. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t allow teachers to bargain for fair wages, huh? You end up with adults who don’t understand basic grammar, or who have typos in their tattoos, or who think it’s OK to make statements that are “not intended to be factual,” or…

…Sorry. I know I’m not talking about the game at all. That’s because it’s literally impossible for me to be less interested in hunting.

Two different versions of Who Wants to be a Millionaire?: You know something? I’m starting to feel like I got ripped off.

An empty case for The Lord of the Rings: The Battle for Middle Earth II: I definitely got ripped off.

Three empty jewel cases with dried food on them: WHAT IS THIS?!

King’s Quest Collection Series: OH MY GOD, I’VE HIT THE MOTHERLODE!

I don’t know if you can see it in the picture, but the box claims that this set is a $425 value! That’s right! $425. “Bad news: your car just exploded, you don’t have any insurance, and worst of all you’re going to be stuck playing Who Wants to be a Millionaire? for the rest of your life. But guess what—I just saved $420 by buying this box of crap from a yardsale!!”

…OK, that might not technically be true. You can buy the whole collection on Steam right now for $20; and also this version’s for Windows XP, so it probably won’t work on my computer; and also I already own (in some cases, multiple copies of) these games. Still, the King’s Quest series is some of the best point-and-click adventure games of all time, so I’m not sure it’s possible to buy it too many times.

Plus: At least I didn’t get saddled with King’s Quest 8.

King’s Quest 8: GOD DAMMIT.

Phew! With all this fun I’ve got to look forward to, I think it might be time to stop for now, so I can get along to huntin’ deer and playing with my slimy empty jewel cases. So far, I think I’ve already amassed at least $5 worth of junk—assuming I can also buy a computer that runs on XP, and/or decide that I really want to save Aerosmith again. Check out my blog again tomorrow for more from this wonderful bawl! I mean haul!

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