Connecticut Prices

You know what? I’m just going to say it—screw anyone who posts their Craigslist ads more than a week in advance. I ended up driving 15 minutes out of my way today in search of a neighborhood-wide sale that ended up not existing, because the stupid listing was posted a week early, and I hadn’t noticed.

…Okay, granted, if I had actually looked at the date in the listing, I would’ve realized that it wasn’t today. BUT WHATEVER. There’s no need to get your ads out that early; nobody cares! Do you really think someone’s going to be like “Well, I was planning to visit my nonnie in the hospital that morning, but NEVERMIND! THERE’S A YARDSALE! CLEAR MY CALENDAR!” These people are almost as bad as the jerks who only hold their sales on Fridays, WHEN EVERYONE’S WORKING, YOU DUMMIES! MAN!!

…

Okay, I’m done fumigating now. Here’s some stuff I found.

Only in Connecticut would someone charge ten bucks for an old chair that was 1) missing its butt cushion, and 2) partially eaten by a dog. My mom hates going to yardsales in ritzy neighborhoods for this very reason—the stuff tends to be nicer (not in this case), but the prices tend to be way unreasonable. At this same sale, they were also charging $20 for a CRT TV. $20? Really? That wouldn’t have even been a good yardsale price when people actually used CRT TVs.

Those weren’t the only weird prices—heck, let’s just go ahead and call them “Connecticut prices”—I saw today. One person was hawking VHS tapes for a buck a pop, and another was trying to get a whopping $4 for their used CDs. Now, if you’re not a yardsale vet, these prices might not sound unreasonable; but in reality, if you’re going to charge more than a quarter for used media that nobody wants anymore, you’d better have plenty of open storage space, because they’re gonna get boxed right back up.

…Right, I was supposed to be done fumigating. Let’s try this again.

Look, I found an enormous plush Tootsie Roll Pop! That’s pretty fun, right? Also note the neon blue Frisbee underneath, which appeared to be advertising some sort of national physical fitness initiative, but which was ironically the same exact color as a Kool Burst. Or how about… 

Gross bottle caps! …Wait, I’m sorry, I mean one gross OF bottle caps, Gold Bond brand. I had no idea buying bottle caps without the bottles was actually a thing. I almost wanted to grab them, in case I ever find myself in a Fallout scenario. Alas…

My absolute favorite find of the day: Trouble Shovel! I just love how sinister-looking the packaging is. I think the idea is that the shovel gets you out of trouble, but to me it looks like the shovel is what’s causing it. It could just as easily be the cover (and NAME!) of a trashy murder mystery as it is something that’s supposed to help me clear off my walkway. 

Ray Bumble was just an ordinary man on an ordinary street, working an exceptionally ordinary job — until one day, when a bright-red collapsible shovel suddenly appeared on his doorstep… and all hell broke loose.

TROUBLE SHOVEL. Soon to be a major motion picture!

As for things I brought home with me, I snagged this FMV computer game—sorry, “cinematic strategy adventure”—from the mid-nineties, and I also found this in a “free” bin:

Antique “Handle With Care” stickers from at least one-million years ago! …At least, I thought they were stickers; but it turns out you have to actually lick them before they’ll adhere to anything, like you used to have to do with stamps.

My wife made me promise that I wouldn’t lick the 50-year-old adhesives. I’m not sure I can keep that promise.

Total spent: $1