These Are Mine Now

santa-kidnapping-puppies

WHAT THEY WERE GOING FOR: “You get a puppy, you get a puppy; everyone gets a puppy!”

WHAT THEY ACTUALLY MADE: “Well, there was that one time a guy dressed as Santa Claus broke into my house and stole all my dogsIt ruined my childhood. Now I’m going to ruin yours.” — Michael Bay, on what inspires him as an artist.

Not Helping

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU’RE UPSET
Hugs, soothing words, frozen yogurt, a good movie, “Don’t worry; I’ll do the dishes this time!”, dogs, naps, etc. etc.

THINGS THAT MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE:
THIS, BASICALLY:

clown-wiping-tears

Kid probably wasn’t even crying until this frickin’ guy showed up and tried to rub things on his face.

In Toy the Day!

“Free lemonade!” the girl’s sign said, in messy handwriting. Under that, clearly added in by a parent after the fact, it said “or 25 cents”. You know, just as a suggestion.

I bought a cup. This in and of itself isn’t so strange; cute little kids could be selling smallpox cultures at their parents’ yardsales and I’d still feel obligated to fork over whatever loose change I had. What was strange was the folded-up piece of construction paper she handed me along with my drink.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“There’s something inside it,” she replied, like I was an idiot.

I took it back to my car (walking past a giant cardboard cutout of Homer Simpson that said “take a selfie!”; it was that kind of yardsale). Inside, I found: Continue reading

All Your Folders from Middle School

nsync-folders

N*SYNC’S BACK, ALL RIGHT!*

These are from the dollar store, and yes I bought them, and yes I told the cashier they were for my wife.

What I like about these is that you can tell they were made before N*SYNC got really famous, because Justin somehow let Chris be front and center, and Joey’s wearing some weird cowboy hat and WHY DO I KNOW THEIR NAMES THIS IS REALLY UPSETTING.

Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Continue reading