The Greatest Story Ever Told

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“What Herman Melville did for whales in ‘Moby Dick’ and Gustave Flaubert for bored wives in ‘Madame Bovary,’ Don Thornton has done for eggbeaters.”

– From an absolutely real 1994 review in the Times Union(It later goes on to quote the author in saying “People who like America, motherhood and apple pie will love this book.”)

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Generic Jigsaw Puzzle

Stock opening line. Fun story about an awkward yardsale encounter. (Maybe with old people?) Bad pun; weird segue into…

ALL CAPS SENTENCE TO DEMONSTRATE EXCITEMENT AT THE COOL THING I FOUND!!

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Filler text, filler text, filler text. More puns (if possible).

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EVEN MORE CAPSLOCK EXCITEMENT AS WE ZOOM IN!!

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Closing line expressing regret that I didn’t open the stupid box to see what’s inside.

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Letter Tape: Talking Mail!

HEY, LISTEN!

Are you tired of writing letters with a pencil and some paper? Like a friggin’ caveman?! If only there was some way you could just TALK at your mail and MAKE WORDS HAPPEN!

WAIT, THERE IS?! INTRODUCING:

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LETTER TAPE! ***TALKING MAIL*** Just hit “record” on your tape recorder, talk a bunch of words, and no one will ever have to know how bad your grammars are! (Kids, get your parents’ assistance if you can’t figure out what a “tape recorder” is.)

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…okay but seriously, if you got a cassette tape in the mail with a message on it from literally anyone, you know you’d lose your mind. (And then quickly get very sad when you realize you threw out all your cassette players in 1996 and you’ll never hear the awesome secret message.)

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Potato Bag

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beepbeepbeepdabeepdabeepBEEPBEEP

This just in folks, we’re getting reports that a lone voice in northern Ohio has just shattered the world’s record for loudest sound ever in recorded history. That voice—belonging to a man, aged 29, with (it has to be said) a magnificent beard—was allegedly visiting a local yardsale when he exclaimed, shattering all glass windows within a three-mile radius: 

I WANT A POTATO BAG

We take you now live to the scene, where everyone is deaf. 

Reporter: “HUH? HUH? HUH?!”

Thanks, Al. The previous “world’s loudest sound” record was also held by this man, reportedly established when he shouted “I WANT THAT PIE DISH” and imploded a mom-and-pop thrift store. More on this story at the top of the hour, unless some celebrity has a baby or something.

beepbeepbeepdabeepdabeepBEEPBEEP

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Save the Box

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Oh cool, a boxed version of Pitfall! for Commodore 64, that’ll probably fetch me a few bucks on HOLY CRAP WHAT IS THAT THING ON THE RIGHT.

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GOOD…

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LORD!!

Toy Bizarre is a 1984 old-school platforming videogame about protecting your toy store from wave after wave of evil robots—but what’s WAY more interesting than that is the game’s box, which is supposed to look like a clown doll bursting through a wrapped package to eat your f***ing skin off. Yeah, that “guarantee” you might’ve seen on the left-hand side of the last pic? Not much consoling there: Continue reading

Smooch’em Santa!!

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Pick your own joke for this one!

Option 1: “I wouldn’t climb on THIS Santa’s lap!”

Option 2: “Whatever you do, don’t unwrap his present.”

Option 3: “Or go see his North Pole.”

Option 4: “Or trim his tree.”

Option 5: “Or drink his eggnog.” (Wait, what?)

Option 6: …Basically any line from “Baby, it’s Cold Outside” will do it.

(But seriously, why is there so much creepy Christmas stuff out there?!)

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OIL POWER: The Game

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FINALLY, you can bring the fun of destroying our planet and all of its natural resources until we have to power our cars by foot like in the Flintstones home to Family Game Night™!

I didn’t buy this one, so there’s no in-depth look at all the cool stuff that comes with the game. But I did want to highlight this one passage I saw on the back of the box. I mean—how often do you see a board game that comes with its own origin story?

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I know that’s hard to read, so here, in its entirety—for the first time EVER on the Internet—is:

Continue reading

A Murder of Alfs

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Alternate title: BEST CUDDLE PARTY EVER (UNLESS YOU’RE A CAT)

I think my favorite Alfs (Alves?) in this pile have to be the themed ones—“Cooking with Alf” and “Generic Sportsman Alf” (not to mention “is actually Gizmo from Gremlins Alf”). Reminds me of when they ran out of Ninja Turtles and started making action figures out of what-if scenarios, like “what if Raphael went back in time and starred in the 1932 film The Mummy?”

(Yes, that’s real. It’s not “Raphael as a mummy.” It’s Raphael, specifically as a mummy from the 1932 film The Mummy. You can see a whole list of the weirdest Ninja Turtle figures here.)

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OUTDOOR SURVIVAL: The Game

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Holy crap you guys! If there’s one thing I like (besides, in no particular order, videogames, yard sales, professional wrestling, magnificent beards, Disney World, and not calling it “pop“), it’s weird board games—and if there’s one other thing I like, it’s not dying in the woods. And this is a board game that teaches you how to not die in the woods! From the back of the box:

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My favorite part is the “and have FUN too!”

Everything was still included in the box (something of a rarity when buying board games and especially puzzles at yardsales):

Continue reading