The Gypsy Who Fell on My Face

Today’s sales exhausted me. There were ten of them, spread all throughout my county, and it was deathly hot outside. I’m talking like 80 degrees. Doesn’t that just sound like murder, people who live farther south than New England?

Thankfully, there’s something later in this post that could help me, let’s say, “decompress” after a long morning of saling; but we’ll get to that in a bit. First up is chairs.

Now, I couldn’t just let this go by without discovering what “the best seat in the house” actually was, and how it could possibly fit into such a slender cardboard box. The answer: It’s a toilet seat. (Of course it’s a toilet seat.) A toilet seat that, judging by the packaging, might actually be older than me. Just imagine how many naked rear ends have already been on this. Naked rear ends that you don’t even know.

Also, I like how the drawing implies that you’d bring this along with you to the theater. “Yes, that’ll be one ticket to Spiderman: Turn off the Dark. …Yes, I know how bad it is. Don’t worry. I came prepared.”

And hey, speaking of Things You Shouldn’t Buy Used

A “gold”-plated razor and toothbrush set! The perfect gift for literally anyone who has hair and/or teeth. The set is purportedly unused; I’m guessing they just forgot to set up a little sign that says “all those neck hairs came with it, we swear.”

…Gosh, I hope those were neck hairs. Continue reading

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

A chicken crosses the road.

To find great deals, apparently! Hey there, little friend!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

She backed up one lane of traffic by strutting around and waggling her head at people, and I backed up the other by taking pictures of her like I’d only ever heard of these creatures called “hens” before in campfire stories. (“Legend has it that they have gross red things on their faces, and that they shred most excellently on the guitar…”)

Unfortunately, this cock-of-the-walk was one of the more interesting things I saw during this morning’s adventures, although I did find a few other things worth crowing about. For example—remember last week, when I was talking about things you seriously do not want to buy used? Well…

At least it still has its original packaging? Butt wait, it gets better–

Like, not to get too gross here, but…somebody peed in that. Probably the dude running the yardsale. If you’re ever so hard up for cash that you find yourself saying “Hey, I peed on this thing; how much will you pay me for it?”, it might finally be time to crack open those help-wanted ads. Continue reading