Days of the Leek

The worst thing about buying clothes at a thrift store is that nothing’s ever in your size—and if it is, it has someone else’s sweat stains all over it—and if it doesn’t, then at the very least it’s covered in old cat hair.

The best thing about it is this shirt, period. I think my favorite part is the vegetables’ expression; they don’t look like they’re excited about Friday. They look anxious, like they’re supposed to give an oral presentation on Friday and they kinda wanna get it over with, but they also don’t feel super prepared and wanna go over their notes 50 more times. The carrot is actually stress-shaking over it. I love this shirt.

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Syracuse vs. The World

My sister-in-law went to Syracuse University, so I know a lot of things about the school, like 1) their mascot is a literal orange, named Otto and 2) that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Now I know a third thing: they’re also super, SUPER competitive, especially for a college WHOSE MASCOT IS A LITERAL ORANGE NAMED OTTO.*

For example, here’s a t-shirt promoting their sports game against South Florida:


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The 8 Strangest Things You Can Buy at My Yard Sale

It’s finally happening: I’m turning the camera around, and focusing on some of the weird stuff that I’m selling at my own yard sale. Hoisting myself by my own petard, as they say! Slipping on my own banana peel! Dropping an anvil on myself! I think the metaphor got away from me…

Anyway as you know we moved, and we did the thing that smart people do: shipped the entirety of our worldly possessions cross-country, and then decided to cull it down a bit, after realizing we couldn’t physically fit the amount of crap we’ve amassed over the years into our new house. (This is probably Lizo’s fault, since I never amass large piles of garbage.) It was either annex our neighbors’ propertywhich they seemed patently unwilling to agree toor have a yard sale of our own.


This is what our yard sale looked like right after we’d finished setting it up. For comparison, here’s a shot I took at the end of the day:


As you can see, it would be exaggerating to say that business was good. It would also be exaggerating to say that any business happened at all.

We did have one customer, Bob, who was nice enough to give our weird collection of goods a once-over, all the while providing a colorful running commentary. “Those wooden spoons should be good for spankings!” he told me. “Yeahhhhh!!” (The way he said it sounded like he didn’t mean for misbehaving children.)

Then, as he was looking over some recipe books, there was “Vegetarian cooking?? That’s what FOOD eats! Ewwwwww!!” He actually said “eww” like that, like a child discovering belly-button lint. Later, as we were ringing up his purchases: “I’ll take the knives. …I need to go back and get dressed first, though.” (It’s at this point I should mention that he was wearing a pair of rubber overalls, with both of the straps down, and nothing else.) Bob was great. Things got a little awkward though when someone mentioned the Amy Winehouse documentary, and Bob muttered “another dead druggie.”

Oh, Bob.

Bob wasn’t our only customer, but he was one of maybe a dozenmost of which were neighbors who were out walking their dogs and wondering why we had the entire contents of a Sam Goody circa 2002 dumped out on our driveway. We were asked “did you guys advertise?” at least a half-dozen times, with “because I had no idea this was even happening” politely left unspoken. Then around 11:30, we had a freak thunderstorm (the first rain we’ve seen since moving here) and most of our stuff got water-logged. It was not a very good sale.

Where did we go wrong? Well for one, the house we’re renting is on a peninsula with a population smaller than my high school’s graduating class, so any yard sale we had here was doomed to failure. I guess in hindsight, too, I wish I hadn’t called out “early birds”those people who show up before your scheduled start timein my Craigslist ad like I did:


Also, our sign didn’t make it through the rain so good.

All-in-all I sort of hate yard sales now, so this is the end of the blog forever.

Okay I lied. Here’s a sampling of some of the weird stuff we tried to sell to Bob!

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If, like me, you were a bit put off when you saw the phrase “Civil Wargasm”… Well, putting it in context doesn’t make it much better.

I decided to research this one before talking about it on the Internet, so I wouldn’t get burned again like the time I made fun of a painting of Abraham Lincoln made out of lady butts, and it turned out to be by Salvador Dali. (I’ve since deleted the original post in shame.) Continue reading