You Did It Wrong

I decided to check out the San Jose Flea Market a couple weekends ago while I was in town for Arglefumph‘s wedding, and I can’t say I was super impressed with what was described as “the largest open-air market in the U.S.” Maybe it’s different if you get there during peak hours (I was visiting at 8:15 AM on a Friday), but when I got there it looked like this:

san-jose-flea-markettumbleweed-gif

At least those three vendors that bothered to show up probably had some really cool stuff, right? Well…

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Why Would You Buy That at a Yardsale?

There are certain things you just don’t want to buy second-hand. Soap, for example. It’s not all that uncommon to see people selling half-used bars of soap at yardsales, little strands of hair still clinging to them, colonies of bacteria forming right before your very eyes, only a few evolutionary stages away from becoming Rush Limbaugh. Also underwear. I didn’t take a picture of it, but at one of today’s sales, I found displayed quite prominently—reverently, even, neatly folded, placed next to a cooler in the shape of a Bud Light beer can—an enormous pair of granny panties. It was clear that the sellers thought this would be a big hit; I could just picture one musing to the other, “We’ll draw them in with the panties, and then hook them with our 90-year old bottle of gun oil, which is also a thing we are selling because we are ****ing crazy people.”

Another thing I’d add to the list? Adult diapers. You’d think that would go without saying, but…*ahem* I guess it just…depends:

I wonder how this ends up for sale at someone’s yardsale—like, how do you wind up with a 16-count package of adjustable adult underwear (with Velcro™ closers) that you don’t actually want? Maybe they were retired astronauts, and this was leftover from a previous mission. (Is that a thing? Do astronauts have to poop in their pants?) I mention this because the couple was also selling this “suit” which I am 95% sure is actually a prop from Space Cases:

Looking at the bullets on the front of the box (my favorite: “ONE SIZE FITS MOST!”), it’s clear they’re missing a few major selling points, like MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE WEARING A GARBAGE BAG!, and WHAT ARE THOSE TWO DANGLY THINGS FOR? NOBODY KNOWS! Continue reading