Soap on a Nope

We’re back! (Don’t say “A Dinosaur’s Story”, for once just don’t say “A Dinosaur’s Story”, nobody even knows what you’re talking about when you say it, it’s stupid and it’s not funny and it’s) A DINOSAUR’S STORY!! Oh man, what a great reference to a great film that everyone definitely remembers. I should probably watch it some time.

Anyway, here’s some nasty old soap someone tried to sell at the thrift store.

The football helmet is in remarkably good shape, considering that it’s (according to this eBay auction) FORTY-FIVE EARTH YEARS OLD. This soap has been around since before a lot of you were born. This soap is TEN YEARS OLDER THAN THE ORIGINAL NINTENDO. This soap’s old enough that it remembers when Donald Trump was just a racist failing businessman (well, I guess some things never change).

I guess in their defense, it’s…collectible…soap? They still had the boxes, even. And anyway, who am I to poke fun; I used to collect the tops of Kool Bursts and pretend they were rocket ships.

Welcome to the 2018 yardsale season, everyone! May your items be reasonably priced, your sellers be reasonably reasonable, and your soap be from, like, the supermarket or whatever. Please don’t buy used soap.

Wanna help “Yardsaling to Adventure!”grow? Do your Amazon shopping through our affiliate link! 

The Gypsy Who Fell on My Face

Today’s sales exhausted me. There were ten of them, spread all throughout my county, and it was deathly hot outside. I’m talking like 80 degrees. Doesn’t that just sound like murder, people who live farther south than New England?

Thankfully, there’s something later in this post that could help me, let’s say, “decompress” after a long morning of saling; but we’ll get to that in a bit. First up is chairs.

Now, I couldn’t just let this go by without discovering what “the best seat in the house” actually was, and how it could possibly fit into such a slender cardboard box. The answer: It’s a toilet seat. (Of course it’s a toilet seat.) A toilet seat that, judging by the packaging, might actually be older than me. Just imagine how many naked rear ends have already been on this. Naked rear ends that you don’t even know.

Also, I like how the drawing implies that you’d bring this along with you to the theater. “Yes, that’ll be one ticket to Spiderman: Turn off the Dark. …Yes, I know how bad it is. Don’t worry. I came prepared.”

And hey, speaking of Things You Shouldn’t Buy Used

A “gold”-plated razor and toothbrush set! The perfect gift for literally anyone who has hair and/or teeth. The set is purportedly unused; I’m guessing they just forgot to set up a little sign that says “all those neck hairs came with it, we swear.”

…Gosh, I hope those were neck hairs. Continue reading

Stampin’ Up!

The best yardsale finds make you stop, scratch your head, and say “what the f*** is that?” For example, one of my early finds during this morning’s adventure was this license plate cover:

Is it…promoting tramp stamps? The postal service? Is “stamping up” a euphemism for a new kind of drug? (“Yo man, you got any…stamp?” “No Jimmy, my mom said you’re not supposed to stamp up!” “Your MOM don’t hafta know about it! Come on, just take a lick…”)

Turns out it’s actually about scrapbooking. Okay, how about this plate:

Of course, that’s far from the creepiest plate I’ve ever seen at a yardsale, but it begs several questions, most notably: What the **** is it talking about? Why’s that rooster in the middle have such a smug look on his face? Why are they all roosters?! If I proudly display this in my office, what am I saying—is this an old proverb about how you should definitely not engage in coitus at the pearly gates with two other roosters? Is it okay if you just have one other rooster?

I tried to research this one on Google, too, but all I found were a variety of mousepads and keychains inscribed with the saying; nobody actually seemed to know what it meant. …Until I asked that font of wisdom, the Yahoo Answers community. Here’s what they told me:

…Wait, sorry; that was actually the answer to a different question I was researching. What they actually said was: nothing. Nobody has any idea what this means. Do you, readers? If you know, POST!

Continue reading