Faxable Greeting Cards!

Don’t worry, nothing racist today.

There’s no one alive today who remembers the fax machine (it’s a lot like the dodo bird in that regard, or a functioning federal government), but once upon a time, you could use this book to fax facsimiles of greeting cards to friends and family members you didn’t like enough to send real greeting cards to.

These cards range from the disarmingly innocuous:

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♪ Keep Your Pants Up, Buddy ♪

Found in a box of garbage at the Dollar Bargain: a singing greeting card that includes an actual CD!

keep-your-pants-up-buddy-card-1

Uhhhh…. Wait, what?

keep-your-pants-up-buddy-card-2

Keep your pants up, buddy
If you know what’s
Good for you! (??????)
HEY!
DO I HAVE YOUR
ATTENTION
You’re my Buddy!
You’re mine all alone!
And Honey, I’d suggest
you best stay at home! (WHAT IS THIS CARD EVEN FOR)
For there’s nothing out there
worth your time
You’re my Buddy! You are mine all mine!

WHAT THE F*** IS GOING ON. (And to think there’s nine other songs on this CD. Yeah, I probably should’ve just bought this one.)

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Why Would You Buy That at a Yardsale?

There are certain things you just don’t want to buy second-hand. Soap, for example. It’s not all that uncommon to see people selling half-used bars of soap at yardsales, little strands of hair still clinging to them, colonies of bacteria forming right before your very eyes, only a few evolutionary stages away from becoming Rush Limbaugh. Also underwear. I didn’t take a picture of it, but at one of today’s sales, I found displayed quite prominently—reverently, even, neatly folded, placed next to a cooler in the shape of a Bud Light beer can—an enormous pair of granny panties. It was clear that the sellers thought this would be a big hit; I could just picture one musing to the other, “We’ll draw them in with the panties, and then hook them with our 90-year old bottle of gun oil, which is also a thing we are selling because we are ****ing crazy people.”

Another thing I’d add to the list? Adult diapers. You’d think that would go without saying, but…*ahem* I guess it just…depends:

I wonder how this ends up for sale at someone’s yardsale—like, how do you wind up with a 16-count package of adjustable adult underwear (with Velcro™ closers) that you don’t actually want? Maybe they were retired astronauts, and this was leftover from a previous mission. (Is that a thing? Do astronauts have to poop in their pants?) I mention this because the couple was also selling this “suit” which I am 95% sure is actually a prop from Space Cases:

Looking at the bullets on the front of the box (my favorite: “ONE SIZE FITS MOST!”), it’s clear they’re missing a few major selling points, like MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE WEARING A GARBAGE BAG!, and WHAT ARE THOSE TWO DANGLY THINGS FOR? NOBODY KNOWS! Continue reading