The Greatest Story Ever Told

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“What Herman Melville did for whales in ‘Moby Dick’ and Gustave Flaubert for bored wives in ‘Madame Bovary,’ Don Thornton has done for eggbeaters.”

— From an absolutely real 1994 review in the Times Union(It later goes on to quote the author in saying “People who like America, motherhood and apple pie will love this book.”)

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The Towers

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This one may take some explaining.

…which is really unfortunate, because I don’t know any more about it than you do. I found it at a thrift store; it’s a blank book, meant for your kid to fill in their own story and illustrations. This kid didn’t get too far though—all they had were the cover art and title. (Which, granted, is all most indie game developers have before they start, say, printing up t-shirts. I’m assuming the book only wound up here because their Kickstarter failed.)

And with that, we’re on break, as YtA headquarters packs our bags and moves from Connecticut to sunny Ohio! (Which is home to this store, and I’ve never been more excited about anything, not even my own wedding.) See you in a few weeks!

yessss, i made it through the whole post without mentioning how it looks like this kid was making a story about a princess saving 9/11 and whoops now everything is sad

Extremely Literal Book Titles

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Very few people know that “Fifty Shades of Grey” was not the book’s original name.

See that plastic bag? At first you might think that’s an accessory for the book so you can act out key scenes in your own bedroom (note: I haven’t read Fifty Shades) (I haven’t read all of Fifty Shades), but no; the book actually comes bundled with a few other similar titles. It’s like a Steam sale except it’s the worst Steam sale.

The other books included are (I’m not kidding) (but I really wish I were) “Playing the Dutiful Wife” and “Captive in His Castle.” All from the Harlequin Presents product line of books. I’m so much more creeped out by this than I was by the grandpa videos.

Embarrassing Moments in the Life of Rob Lowe

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You can’t say they didn’t warn me.

I’ve talked at length before about how going to estate sales feels more or less like you’re looting a stranger’s home. Everything in the house is basically set up the way they were before the people died; except for the occasional price tag and the herd of re-sellers literally elbowing you out of the way so they can be the first ones to get to Grandma’s fine jewelry, you’d hardly even know that something horrible happened here not too long ago and everyone’s probably really sad about it.

If you look closely you can start to get an idea of the people who lived thereyou see a few books on invasive medical procedures and a pair of scissors that looks like you could carve someone up with it, and—OH GOD, what’s that?! Continue reading

Marathon in a Fanny Pack

You guys. YOU GUYS! I went to 25 freakin’ yardsales yesterday! It was the best. …At least I think it was; I’ll let you know when I’ve worked up the energy to crawl back out of bed. (Honey, when you read this post, could you please bring me some cereal?)

yardsale-mapSelections from the three (?!?!) maps they gave us for yesterday’s sales.
Crazy-man scrawls are mine.

So it turns out yesterday was my little town’s community-wide yardsale. Yardsales, yardsales as far as the eye could see! (Well, more or less. We actually have burned-out factories as far as the eye can see, but beyond those? Yardsales. Free rusty nail with every purchase.) You could tell it was supposed to be a big deal, because they had way more signs up than they did for, say, last week’s budget referendum. Pretty sure the yardsales had a better turnout, too, which is weird, because they both primarily attract old people and angry bloggers.

They were selling maps for the sales at one of the local diners, rather than just, you know, actually telling us where any of the sales were. I can kinda get why they’d do thatafter all, when you’re selling a product, it makes sense to make it as annoying as possible for anyone to buy said product. It’s the same reason why most grocery stores these days charge an entry fee and nobody really knows where Disney World is.

The first few sales I went to hadn’t started setting up yetwhich is typical of southern Connecticut, where the “start time” is more of an optimistic suggestion than anything you’d want to followbut once they kicked off, they kicked it like they were a horse and you were accidentally standing behind it. (…Yeah, metaphors were never really my strong point. It’s like yardsales are the ocean, and I’m a person who’s really bad at metaphors.)

First up:

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Guest Post: Antique Shopping

(This guest post was submitted by my GameCola co-collaborator and perhaps the world’s most famous Nancy Drew enthusiast, Michael Gray.)

Since Halloween is coming up, I thought it’d be a nice time to talk about yardsaling’s scary cousin: antique shopping.

You can see the family resemblance between antique shopping and yard sales. Both hobbies include sorting through piles of useless old junk that nobody wants anymore. But while yard sales are run by mostly normal people, antique malls are run by complete lunatics. In fact, if you’re ever at a yard sale where the sellers seem crazy, odds are that they’re just trying to impress the antique mall scouts.

You see, antique stores are just like the government. Everyone in charge is over fifty years old, and they have no idea how much things cost. For example, $50 for a Titanic VHS tape is a reasonable price at an antique store. On the other hand, something like an Xbox 360 game will go for two dollars, because the antiquers have no idea what to do with any products made in this century.

I recently visited an antique mall in Normal, Illinois. Conveniently located in a dead shopping center, this store contains proof that their town is poorly named.

This suit would either be a great Halloween costume, or the worst birthday present ever.

About $20 for the creepy salt and pepper shakers. I think the design for them was reused in Gnomeo and Juliet. Continue reading