Sometimes it’s tough to figure out what to write for this blog; like, seriously, how am I gonna write 200-300 words about a painting of a clown sitting on the toilet? And then sometimes I find a cassette tape of Mickey Mouse and other Disney characters singing about how great exercise is, and the only reason writing is difficult is because the English language—or any language—or any form of communication, period—is totally inadequate for describing the sheer joy I’m overcome with. Whatever the inverse of 50 poop emoji is, it’s that.
…Of course, I didn’t actually buy the thing (mostly because my Talkboy Tape Recorder is still packed away somewhere, after the move) but luckily, I didn’t have to. Here’s the title track, courtesy of TheTeach27 on YouTube:
You can jump, you can shake it
Anything you make it,
Whatever you feel is right.
Come on, everybody, and MOUSERCISE!
Everything seems perfectly normal so far. …BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE.
Get the money. You gotta get the money.
GET THE MONEY! UNCLE SCROOGE’S MONEY!!
I know it’s supposed to be from the perspective of the Beagle Boys (dog criminals from the Duck Tales universe), but outside of this context it really, really sounds like it’s encouraging small children to sneak money out of their uncles’ wallets—which is of course a great theme for exercise? (And oh my god, that ASMR whisper-singing at the top of the track is definitely someone’s weirdly specific trigger.)
There’s also a DDR version of “Step in Time” (from Mary Poppins), sung by Goofy and Donald (??):
But my personal favorite, and the cruelest f***ing song you could ever sing to a bunch of fat kids who need exercise, is “Pig Out.” Which—and I have to emphasize here that I’m not making any of this up—is an exercise song about DELICIOUS CAKES AND HOT DOGS DANCING IN THE FRIDGE AND TAUNTING YOU WITH HOW DELICIOUS THEY ARE.
I go down the hall
Towards the light
It wouldn’t hurt
To grab a little bite.
I do the two-step
Across the kitchen floor
And open up the refrigerator door
A hot dog tangos with a bacon strip
A caramel apple does a double back-flip!
The food is dancing in my fantasy
My mouth starts watering as they sing to me:
“COME ON AND PIG OUT (chili and custard)
PIG OUT (anchovies and mustard)
Pigging out is what this dance is all about!”
“PIG OUT (pineapple strudel)
PIG OUT (corn flakes and noodles)
Pigging out is what it’s all about!!”
Like, what the actual f***.
Lest you think the song goes on from there to extol a healthier lifestyle (“PIG OUT (don’t do it, you’ll die), PIG OUT (here’s an organic chai)”), as the song fades into the next track they’re still singing about sloppy joes and pizza to go. No, I don’t get it either. Yes, I will be requesting it at the next wedding I attend. It’s a really good song.
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