Guest Post: Antique Shopping

(This guest post was submitted by my GameCola co-collaborator and perhaps the world’s most famous Nancy Drew enthusiast, Michael Gray.)

Since Halloween is coming up, I thought it’d be a nice time to talk about yardsaling’s scary cousin: antique shopping.

You can see the family resemblance between antique shopping and yard sales. Both hobbies include sorting through piles of useless old junk that nobody wants anymore. But while yard sales are run by mostly normal people, antique malls are run by complete lunatics. In fact, if you’re ever at a yard sale where the sellers seem crazy, odds are that they’re just trying to impress the antique mall scouts.

You see, antique stores are just like the government. Everyone in charge is over fifty years old, and they have no idea how much things cost. For example, $50 for a Titanic VHS tape is a reasonable price at an antique store. On the other hand, something like an Xbox 360 game will go for two dollars, because the antiquers have no idea what to do with any products made in this century.

I recently visited an antique mall in Normal, Illinois. Conveniently located in a dead shopping center, this store contains proof that their town is poorly named.

This suit would either be a great Halloween costume, or the worst birthday present ever.

About $20 for the creepy salt and pepper shakers. I think the design for them was reused in Gnomeo and Juliet.

Finally, a diet that works for the average American! I should have purchased it.

A mug of Angry Abraham Lincoln. It’s like he knows they got the hat wrong, and so he’s frowning in disapproval.

A Nancy Drew Hardy Boys book, vaguely based off Titanic? DO WANT. I bet it has a better ending than the movie.

New Year’s EVIL is the best book title I’ve ever seen. Afterwards, I found out that it’s the title of a bad 1980 horror film, starring memorable characters such as Teenage Girl, Space Girl, Drunk, and Richard “Evil” Sullivan. I’m going to take a wild guess here and say that the killer is the man whose nickname is “Evil”.

Not to make fun of this book cover, but does the waterslide picture in the lower/left REALLY fit in with the “serious murder investigation” theme?

$85 for the “Woman’s Work Is Never Done!” painting which makes me feel distinctly uncomfortable.

Can we go to New Orleans and visit this oyster bar? Like, right now?

More creepy mugs and salt and pepper shakers. At least these ones are cheaper than the others.

A creepy mug which vaguely resembles the Wizard of Oz. What person would actually drink from something like this? If I brought that coffee mug into work, I’d be fired immediately.

DOG STARS OF HOLLYWOOD? The book is only about three inches tall. I guess that means the dog stars…aren’t very big.

More mugs, these ones starring Santa Claus with long eyelashes. Worse yet, he’s giving you a saucy wink. I think this might be even scarier than the Santa in A Christmas Story.

Oh no. Oh no. There are MORE Flirty Santas? WHY? For one thing, he’s married! For another, he’s not even remotely attractive, with his misshapen arms that are smaller than his forehead. Somebody please stop the madness!

Okay, a picture of a man with an awesome beard, who is hanging around near a horse. This is clearly as good as it gets.

All in all, the antique mall had creepy mugs, flirty Santa, and old paperbacks. I got five of the books, because they were the only things under five dollars.

Total spent: $16.66

– Michael Gray

3 thoughts on “Guest Post: Antique Shopping

    • Sarah Jumel says:

      yes, the oyster bar is still there. Oysters are good, but a nice bonus is scanning the hands of the shuckers; broken oyster shells are razor sharp so they seldom have the full complement

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