This past weekend I was visiting my parents’ house for Birthdayfest—that traditional time of year when all the summer babies in my family gather together, and mourn the fact that we were all born so close to each other and therefore don’t get our own special celebrations. It’s a somber, subdued event where we play games like “Pin the Tear on Your Own Cheek,” and (later) “Ow, My Cheek!” I look forward to it every year.
Now, I’m not the only one in my family who enjoys going to yardsales—as I stated in my very first post here, I’ve been going to them ever since I was a little kid with my mom, and I was cute enough to get free things with just a sad pout and a “my mommy said it’s too expensive…” Practically any weekend we’re together at the ol’ homestead, the whole family (or at least, anyone who can wake up early enough) piles into Mom’s minivan for a fun-filled morning of stimulating the American economy, one quarter at a time.
…Even if it’s pouring rain. Which, as it turns out, it was this weekend. Most of the sales this past Saturday that weren’t outright canceled looked like a post-apocalyptic version of Hoarders, with junk hastily packed shoulder-deep into garages, scattered contents spilling onto the tables outside—tables that were circled over again and again by we intrepid yardsalers, in hopes that something worthwhile would finally reveal itself, if only we stared hard enough.
But I did discover one benefit to rainy-day yardsales that I hadn’t previously realized: There’s almost no competition for the quality goods. Most of the regular salers stay home, because they assume that all the sales will just be canceled. And true—many of them were. But many of them weren’t, and we were able to find a lot of choice (and not-so-choice) merchandise. First off—leaning more toward the not-so-choice–
Another goddamn bed pan. Does this have something to do with “universal healthcare”? Are we literally pissing away American tax dollars on superfluous bed pans?! Thanks a LOT, Obama! From the same sale:
1) Hey, cool motion blur!
2) IS THIS A HOW-TO PIMP VIDEO?!
3) It costs eight dollars.
4) They’re charging eight dollars for a VHS tape in 2012.
5) They’re really doing that.
5) …THANKS, OBAMA!
Notice how the price sticker says it “sells for $39.95”? The best part is—they ain’t lying. (Actual product description from Amazon: “People come from around the world to get Vic’s backhand lesson. You can get it in your own living room.”) I like how, for the price of one VHS tape, you could probably buy like 15 actual VHS players.
Later, I saw: the worst version of that “Hang in there!” motivational poster I’ve ever seen:
That is a life-size, animatronic, disturbing as f*** Santa Claus. We found him at the very first yardsale of the day, and we spent the rest of the adventure talking about him. “How much did it cost?” “Do you think it’s still there?” “Is it too late to go back for it?” “Why is he so much better at dancing than us?” Because—oh yes. He dances. Sings, too. I took a sneaky-cam video with my iPhone while the seller was demonstrating it. Check it out:
Catchy, right? I’m going to start singing all my favorite songs that way. “HHHHHHEEEEYYYYYYYYY, IIIIIIIIIII JJUUUUUUUSSST MEEEEEEEETT YOUUUUUUUU, AAAAANNNNNNND THHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS ISSSSSSSS CRAAAAZZZZYYYY….”
No buys for me this week, although I did pick up something from a free pile. Something I’m saving for a later post. Possibly for a rainy day, although if this weekend proved anything, it’s that even rainy days have a bit of sunshine poking out from underneath those wet tarps and within those cluttered garages. Here’s a sneak peek: Total spent: $0.00