Why Would You Buy That at a Yardsale?

There are certain things you just don’t want to buy second-hand. Soap, for example. It’s not all that uncommon to see people selling half-used bars of soap at yardsales, little strands of hair still clinging to them, colonies of bacteria forming right before your very eyes, only a few evolutionary stages away from becoming Rush Limbaugh. Also underwear. I didn’t take a picture of it, but at one of today’s sales, I found displayed quite prominently—reverently, even, neatly folded, placed next to a cooler in the shape of a Bud Light beer can—an enormous pair of granny panties. It was clear that the sellers thought this would be a big hit; I could just picture one musing to the other, “We’ll draw them in with the panties, and then hook them with our 90-year old bottle of gun oil, which is also a thing we are selling because we are ****ing crazy people.”

Another thing I’d add to the list? Adult diapers. You’d think that would go without saying, but…*ahem* I guess it just…depends:

I wonder how this ends up for sale at someone’s yardsale—like, how do you wind up with a 16-count package of adjustable adult underwear (with Velcro™ closers) that you don’t actually want? Maybe they were retired astronauts, and this was leftover from a previous mission. (Is that a thing? Do astronauts have to poop in their pants?) I mention this because the couple was also selling this “suit” which I am 95% sure is actually a prop from Space Cases:

Looking at the bullets on the front of the box (my favorite: “ONE SIZE FITS MOST!”), it’s clear they’re missing a few major selling points, like MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE WEARING A GARBAGE BAG!, and WHAT ARE THOSE TWO DANGLY THINGS FOR? NOBODY KNOWS!

That one yardsale almost single-handedly made today’s adventure worthwhile. Oh, sure, earlier in the day I’d found…

…a flamingo with a pair of sexy ballerina legs, ridiculously using its wings to whack away at a netbook (in case anyone’s ever wondered what working from home is like, it’s pretty much this)…

…a Chewbacca coffee mug, which I of course bought, because how do you not buy that, and…

…ancient greeting cards, with drawings of crying homeless children, which you’re supposed to give to people to make them feel better when they’re sick.

But when I saw this—perhaps the single-most useless thing I have ever seen in my entire life—I felt much better about braving the heat to sift through people’s future-garbage:

I can think of no better way to simplify my Internet usage than to forgo using my Internet browser’s bookmarks, and instead write all of my favorite links down into a little spiral-bound notebook, where I definitely can’t click on them, like at all. I guess it does serve one purpose, though…

Total spent: $2.00

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10 thoughts on “Why Would You Buy That at a Yardsale?

  1. PineyRick says:

    Well today I got a Philadelphia soft pretzel and your mother got a backup dog leash for Odin.

    (just so she could buy something). Total spent: $1.50.

    • I’ve been pretty careful about not taking too many of these completely useless things home with me–but yeah. In a few years we’re going to need a bigger apartment, so I can dedicate an entire room to stupid yardsale stuff.

    • You’re welcome! I choose to think it was published in a time before bookmarks existed, so perhaps it once had a use–but even then, the fact that there isn’t a place to write in a website’s ACTUAL ADDRESS is a bit disconcerting!

  2. Esther says:

    as you slowly scroll down over that flamingo, it does not look so much like a flamingo. i read this post last week, but it still caught me by surprise. . .

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