This Old House

Mmmmmmm. Can you smell that? Other people’s garbage. Unwanted wares, plopped unceremoniously into a yard or garage in hopes that someone with too much money to waste (although frugal enough not to buy things brand-new) will want to part with a quarter or a dollar for the honor of bringing home your rusty old fishing poles, or perhaps your fifth-grade art project.

The 2012 yardsale season starts not with a bang, but with a “Hey, is that a yardsale?” The weather report was calling for rain, so I’d assumed sales would be light-to-nonexistent this Saturday morn’, but lo: on the way to the supermarket, we found it. The season’s first sale. An estate sale, in a house that, from the outside looked nice, although from the inside, it appeared as though one errant stomp might send the whole thing crashing down.

We trod lightly.

This was one of the first things that greeted us in the sale: a poster of three babies sitting in flowerpots, wearing shrubbery as hats. Look at their faces–even they’re embarrassed to be a part of this, and they just have tiny baby brains. The one in the middle is clearly thinking “please don’t notice me please don’t notice me PLEASE DON’T PUT THIS ON FACEBOOK please don’t notice me.”

The poster had a prominent spot at the yardsale, as though the seller (not the home’s actual owners, but an agency paid to sell things for them) thought that this would really wow the customers. It didn’t, but it did make me feel like a troupe of creepy-ass babies is just following me wherever I go now.

Also featured at this sale: Wanda Wooly! What is Wanda Wooly, you ask? A duster, with a sheep’s face. (“Ah,” you’re probably thinking right now. “Why didn’t I think of that?) A quick Google search indicates that they also come in dinosaur, ostrich (with genuine ostrich feathers!), and old lady (I don’t want to know what that’s made of) varieties. I probably should’ve bought this, just to terrorize my wife with in the middle of the night.

For 50 cents, I could’ve been the most dapper person in any rainstorm, ever with my rain suit. I mean, just look at this thing–have you ever seen a poncho before that came with matching pants? I’m guessing the golf club in the picture wasn’t included, but I have to think that even golfers–notorious for having some of the world’s ugliest pants–might feel a twinge of embarrassment in donning this. “Clarence, can you hand me my detachable roomy hood? That’s a good lad…”

But by far the coolest thing we found at this sale was:

Look at that thing! A wooden cabinet! Faux little drawers, to try to trick people into thinking it’s a piece of furniture! Knobs! All that, for only five bucks–I’m guessing because the screen appears to be burned out, and possibly because nobody in 2012 would actually know how to hook this thing up.

I didn’t end up buying anything today, but there was so much weirdness at this one sale that I think the season’s off to a great start. Who knows? Maybe next week I’ll really start finding some [this paragraph left incomplete because Paul has been eaten by a baby].

Total spent: 0 dollars.

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