A Summer Punderland

Exploring the deer-infested wilds of New Jersey.

I was back in New Jersey this weekend to celebrate a few more family birthdays, and while our yardsale trip was cut short because 1) the sales weren’t biting much this morning, and 2) none of us were able to get out of bed before 9:30, we still managed to do our fair share of picking through other people’s garbage.

Some sales were a bit more garbagey than others.

Here are some of the highlights:

And you thought driving while texting was bad. A coffee maker for your car! Haven’t you ever wanted to brew some Joe on the Go?

…Man, that would’ve been a MUCH better slogan than the one they went with: “Just plug into your LIGHTER SOCKET!!!!!” And hey, if you decided to pick that up…

You could always grab some “genuine” second-hand coffee filters from 1984 to go with it.

At the same sale: Continue reading

She Was Eaten to DEATH

*ahem* Let’s get doewn to business; we have a lot of madeerial to cover. (…I’m so sorry. Those are some of my worst puns yet. My Aunt Ler would be so ashamed.)

Today’s adventure started off with a “blue light”—which is, as described earlier, a term my mom coined for yardsales that sneak up on you, like that axe murderer that’s creeping up behind you right now. Although as it turned out, I did see this one listed on Craigslist the night before. The post just had one critical flaw:

They didn’t include an address. Which—as you might imagine—is a bit of a problem when you’re trying to visit someone’s house. My GPS is an older model; it doesn’t understand how to get me from Spring Street to “near Route 67, past where the old supermarket used to be.”

So how did I know it was the same sale? They mentioned in the post that they had a bunch of gravestones for sale, and, well…

They sure did!

My favorite, by far: “Here lies BETH. She was eaten to DEATH.” (Although “SALLY BASS got overcome by GAS” comes in at a close second.)

A whopping $50 for the whole lot though; they must’ve read my post about ridiculous Connecticut Prices, and took it as a challenge. “Oh, he thinks $4 for a scratched up CD is bad? Just wait until I charge half a hundo for these cardboard things I painted!”

Although that said, for only $5 I could’ve taken home this fantastic lobster rug:

…but it’s a good thing I didn’t get my claws into that; I ended up buying another awesome rug at a different sale, and I think if I brought them both home my wife might’ve boiled me alive. (Like a lobster.)

Later in the day, I came across… Continue reading

re: Pear of Sheep

Sorry, I know I promised over at that other website that the next three posts here would all be about videogames…but I came across a phenomenon today that just has to be documented—something so disturbing yet, in a way, enlightening that it’s kind of a tragedy that there aren’t books on the subject already.

Are you ready for this?

The “pear of sheep” statue is not an isolated incident.

I was searching for “pear of sheep” on Google to try to get an idea of my new blog’s search ranking, and I came across dozens of items with the same theme. Dozens. I’m serious! The “pear of sheep” statue isn’t just one item some crazy person convinced a gullible manufacturer to mass-produce; it’s a veritable motif! My life is now dedicated to finding out why. Continue reading

Regrets.

If this were a LiveJournal post, my current mood would be “despondent,” and my current music would be anything by Dashboard Confessional.

I’ve recently discovered that I’m too gun-shy about yardsaling. I spend so much time hemming and hawing over 50-cent items—”but do I really want this? Where would I put it? What could I possibly do with so many binder clips?”—that I think it takes some of the fun out of it, and I don’t end up turning my apartment into a prime candidate for Hoarders, which is of course a shame.

Yesterday, I passed on two items that would have unquestionably changed my life for the better. The first was a computer game called Dairy Queen Tycoon, in which you—and this is from the back of the box—”become the manager of your very own Dairy Queen,” something all little boys dream about. I’m a big fan of goofy sim games like that, but after spending several minutes poring over the box, the manual, and the disc, I couldn’t tell if it was an actual sim game, or a time-management game, which is a completely different type of videogame whose name is derived from the fact that, if you’re playing it, you aren’t doing it. Ultimately I passed on it, but the stupid thing only cost 50 cents, so I really should’ve just taken the chance. I could be mixing my own Blizzards right now!

The other item I passed on is going to keep me up at night for the rest of my life. I feel like my world is a little less magical because I don’t own it. I didn’t take a picture of the item at the sale, because I still don’t have the guts to do that, but amazingly, I came across someone else’s via Google.

Pictured below: the cause of my sorrow. Continue reading